God, I Ain't Mad Atcha

Sometimes it takes another cat that's been thru what you've been thru to help you put things in perspective. Big shout to the homie Skywalker; that talk really meant a lot.

So, a reverend at my church told me a few weeks ago, "Remember, God is not your enemy." No doubt; I know that...

Aight, can we be real for a minute? Thanx. No, God is not my enemy. But since my mom passed, me and God, we haven't exactly been friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm still on God's side, but the smiles and all that... screw that. That's been a bit of a stretch.

Do I still pray? Of course. Regularly? No. Do I read my Bible? Yes. Regularly? No. Why? Well, cuz when I prayed my hardest, when I read the most, my mom still died. No, I'm not some noob Christian who thinks God is Santa Clause or a genie. God has His will, and we pray out of obedience and to stay in line with it; I guess that's supposed to make anything any easier. It's really very simple: when my mom died, IT HURT! If you expect anything less, you're crazy. Point blank.

So yeah, I avoid church now. Cuz, see, the last time I saw my mom healthy, she was standing in church; right over there on the opposite side of the sanctuary from where she usually sat. She had on that colorful, furry, blue and green dress and her wig (she was fresh out of the hospital if I remember correctly); my aunt was standing right next to her. Matter of fact, I remember more of my mom in church than at home; mom in the pew, mom in the parking lot, mom in the serving area, mom in the foyer. So pardon me if I'm not eager to be at church all the friggin time.

And I'll tell you something else I remember too. I remember my mom in the hospital; it's so vivid that I'm not even gonna get into it...

Up to this point, I really couldn't have cared less about the sound advice everybody has had for me. Everything I'd heard was just stuff I'd heard before and, furthermore, it was from people who hadn't been thru what I've been thru. At least, for the most part they hadn't; but that changed tonight.

In one fell swoop, a conversation with a friend that had experienced the same thing with his mother, God proved that He's still the truest friend any man can have. I had just finished saying how I felt that I had to strike out and go for broke; how God was only gonna help me if He "felt like it" or "got around to it". And it hit me that, even as I spoke, God had just sent me a cat that had seen what I'd seen so that we could help each other go thru the motions. When I was fixated on my mom in the hospital, he asked me, "How do you think your mom looks now?" He helped me to embrace and be thankful for the present and the glorious future and push aside the pain of the past. We ended up crying together and ultimately remembering this is all a trial to bring us closer to Him. And my friend said the strangest thing near the end of our talk; that it didn't feel like his words that he was speaking. He was probably right. It seems all the praying I did this morning came full circle.

So, here it is: God, it's good to know You're still in my corner. I'll never stop trusting You, even if I don't like Your ways sometimes. Are we friends? Well... all I can say is that we're not enemies, and that you've definitely been a friend to me even if I haven't been the same in return. Friends is what I'm working toward; in the meantime, I definitely ain't mad atcha.

Prayer Works B-J