Back to the Machine

Hm. The age-old question of Man vs. Machine...

You know, when I was young and dumb I used to do everything everybody told me. And you know what? Everything went so much smoother. Did I get what I wanted most of the time? Nope. But shoot... it was nice to know nobody could hold a light to me; I never had anything to hide and nobody could tell me sh... anything. Being a robot iz a breeze; you sacrifice what you want to please everybody and nobody ever has a prollem witchu but yourself. And if you're a real good robot, your sense of self is so sedated that you're perfectly content, having no desire to become anything more than somebody's pawn.

Yup, that was almost me. For the longest time I was the robot, doing anything I was asked to do. Even if I was tired, it was like I didn't know how to acknowledge that. I got things done; they were just things that meant nothing to me. The rewards? Pats on the back, plastic trophies, certificates, trust, favor in the eyes of people; mostly things I'd trade if I had a mind to. But I had smarts, not a mind.

Then one day I woke up; I wanted things, I had desires. And... it's been a struggle ever since. See, I had been a robot for so long, I don't think people ever got used to me being a "me"; I'm still that compliant child in their eyes. That robot.

Anyway, back to the Man vs. Machine illustration. Right now, I'm definitely a man. I have to question EVERYTHING; I have a will. I want to discover things. I take nothing at face value. I challenge authority if it seems the right thing to do. If something doesn't make sense to me, I make that known and look for an alternative. That's the essence of humanity.

The problem? There's something I had when I was a robot that I now lack as a man: The ability to do and endure illogical things under the false impression that they're necessary. In other words, I can't fool myself anymore. Whether it be school, work, family, anything short of God Himself; I can't fool myself into being a pawn for anyone's use.

Now, some would say this is an admirable quality; I've found it to bring with it a few weaknesses. For instance, as a robot I was motivated by fear of punishment and of a bad rapport; now that I'm a man and not a machine, I could care less. But now, I have NO motivation. I once told a friend years ago that, regardless of what people say, no one wants total freedom. Total freedom is like being in space. How so? In space, there's no gravity. Thus, there's no up, down, left or right. Point: there's no progress. To have progress, one must have something off of which to push to give himself/herself direction. I'm struggling to rediscover my "something" in the wake of my liberation.

It makes me think of so many people who talk about having a social "revolution"; I doubt they really know what they're asking for. You see, should this revolution come, the goal is going to be gaining freedom. But then, there will come a time when they must decide on a new motivation for the sake of progress. And that's when revolution will crumble into chaos; because all share the desire for freedom, but none agree on the new motivation. I know this, because this is what has happened inside of me.

I'm a little frustrated, because there was a time early in my "emancipation" when I had this motivation. But I hadn't totally freed myself of those around me, and the motivation was quenched because I had to suppress it for so long. I long for another chance at those days, but what's past is past, what's passed is passed, what's past is passed, and all that nonsense.

Man vs. Machine... The concept has been the theme in several movies of the century. You know what I think? In a battle between Man and Machine, Machine is destined to win. Why? Not because Machine is necessarily the superior being. But because Man is human. Machine exists only for its created purpose; Man thinks too much. Man will wonder why he must fight; Machine will just fight. Man will feel pain; Machine knows nothing of feeling. Man reads this article and is foolish enough to believe Man's passion will win him the fight, like in the movies; Machine does not read articles, it simply performs at its utmost possible efficiency until it no longer can.

My question is, if the answer is to simply "do the right thing" and always do what a higher authority commands, then why was man made human and not machine; machines are much better at doing that. Still, I know what it is to be a machine, and I'm sorely tempted to become the machine I once was.

To have no desire but accomplish meaningless tasks; to have desire but lack the motivation to satisfy it...

Man or Machine; That is the Question B-\