I Can't Sleep

Aside from the shot of coffee, my soul is just getting plain rocked right now. That's why I can't sleep--- actually, I don't even want to sleep tonight. But I've gotta get up at 5:40 for church; it's 12:27am already.

A dreamer that won't sleep.

All this week, I've been fixated on superheroes. At this point, I'd settle for regular heroes. But they're nowhere to be found. You see, just because you stand for something doesn't mean you stand for anything.

Take Ebony magazine for instance: years of urban Black people in poverty and depravity, with lack of opportunity and education, disintegrated families; but before that ever headlines the cover of the magazine, the N word does...

In mathematics/arithmetic, there's a little thing called order of operation. Take 3(5+5) for instance; you can't multiply the 3 until you add the 5+5. Otherwise, even with all the numbers present, you get the wrong answer. This is what the Black community is doing right now with attacking the N word; misprioritizing. Not knowing that, if we address whats important first, many other minor issues will clear themselves up automatically. Of course I can't prove this, but I can definitely sit back and let the fruit be the proof.

But all that is a dot; a pregnant White woman who's been missing for days was just found slain. And at that, they think it was by her Black police officer boyfriend. I could speak on the impending racial implications, but that's the media's, militants', and extremists' jobs sooner or later. And I can't sleep only because I know everybody's gonna fall for it.

I'm thinking... my life has been a constant toggle between draw and drive. I pull people into my ambitions and ventures, but then they prove to be obstructive, and I find myself withdrawing to protect the potential of the plan. Meanwhile, nothing gets done. And I ask myself, is it better to wait for the fullness of time, or to move forward with lowered expectations. I started out at about 17; I just turned 24 this past May. I;m starting to feel old.

My greatest motivation in life has always been necessity; I just realized that. So many things I get involved in not because I have a passion for it, but because I see a need that is not being met that I'm available to meet. The reason I hafta wake up in 4 hours is not because I sought to coordinate Youth Sunday. It's because, about 5-6 years ago, someone resigned the position and no one else stepped up to the plate to keep things going. In a room full of adults, nobody stepped up but the youth...

Which is something else that has been bothering me: perhaps I've given adults too much credit all my life. Now that I'm here at adulthood, I'm realizing more and more that, at least mentally and in terms of representing what I believe in, I've got 1-up on a lot of people I'm supposed to be "looking up to". So, when I want to change the world, where can I find good help these days?

But the crazy thing about it is that I know, under certain conditions, I still have what it takes to endure; I still have the ability to make the impact I've always sought. It sounds cheesy, but I'm so sincere when I say this: if I had this one woman in the world in my life, I would gain unfathomable strength. There's very few things that I know, but of that one thing I'm certain.

The problem is, I can't have her. And I need to get that through my head; it's not going to change and there's no right way to be involved with a married woman. No matter how close a friend she is. But the ray of hope: to know that she would bring that kinda strength out of me, that strength must already be in me. And, Lord willing, I'll find another way to activate it.

It's 1:29am ladies and gentlemen... All of a sudden, I think I may as well pull an all-nighter.

Judgmental: I see that in me right now. To a degree, at least. I try to think the best of everyone. By the same token, I see plainly what people show me; I'm not naive or stupid. I know it's not my job to condemn anyone for what they do or do not do; hate the sin, not the sinner. "Love covereth all things, hopeth all things", etc.

...When I speak of the shortcomings of others, it's not to say I'm perfect or that they're so terrible. It's simply to recognize what I can and can't accomplish with the company I'm keeping, and to recognize what kind of company I need to keep that will help me reach the right plateau.

Maybe I'm not being enough of a help to others; maybe I'm being stingy with my energies. But for every one person who would agree, there's two who would disagree (I'm only broke because I never charge). Is it right to support ill-fated, counterproductive movements? Am I not having enough faith, or am I using the good sense God gave me to support what really counts?

I can't shake this fixation I have on time recently. From 1997 to 2007 I've been making music, writing, seeking, praying, thinking, learning... trying to find my point of entry. Not entry into the laborforce like everybody else; entry into the workforce. Not slaving mindlessly for profit; doing things of lasting importance out of my own passion and drive. And I'm often tempted to say I've been too patient. Sometimes I fear that my window of opportunity has closed.

But then I think of last semester...

I had dragged my heels for the duration of college, starting in 2001, only to discover, in 2007, that I was legitimate in doing so. A sociology professor tells me about the Credentialing Theory of Education, and all of a sudden I'm able to trade my conviction for confirmation. For once, patience was truly and deeply rewarding. But it took so long to get there; maybe this is just another bitter wait to another fitting end...

It's 2:29am now. I'm feasting on ramen, sipping ginger ale.

Turning to BET for my shot of insta-anguish. Girlfriends is on. And lo, I see Waldo! Remember Waldo from Family Matters? Well, he's on Girlfriends right now... playing an 'alternative' man. Let's seeee... so that's Carl Flamin' Winslow, Steve Flamin' Urkel, and Waldo the Flamin' Torch. Seems like you're either playing a foul role, or living a foul reality. (Ketrina, you see ya boy's shirt? That's why I never wear that orange joint you bought me. See, it's nuthin' personal. I just don't roll like that, my cuzzin'...)

My eyes are hot and heavy, but I'm still wide awake. Speaking of eyes...

I've got this situation. Not one of those situations, but a situation in its own right. I mean, it's really not mine, but maybe it is. I'm not gonna go into detail, but how do you tell a mother/guardian that you think one of her kids is nearsighted?

I know, it sounds simple... It's just, I know this lady is very aware of her kids; some of 'em are special needs kids, so she has to be aware of them. I just noticed that this one little girl does the same thing I used to do as a child: she leans very close to whatever she's reading and can't seem to back away from it, and she squints a lot. It's like a reflex, and it's exactly what I used to do before I got my glasses.

But like I said, some of this lady's kids are special needs, so she has to know stuff like this already, right? I definitely don't want to offend her or anything... So I'm pivoting on whether or not I want to point it out. Either way, I'll see her in about 3 hours. Truthfully, it's worth the risk to mention it, even if I'm dead wrong. Because, if I'm right, that would change a lot for the girl and make it easier for to read.

Now look what you made me do... It's 3:39 and I gotta get up at 5:40. I can't stand you...

Nah, but actually I feel a little better now. Just had a lot on my mind I guess. Now, I'm scayed that if I go to sleep now, I'll oversleep and cause a catastrophe. Guess I'll iron ma clothes, maybe take an early-early shower, play with my Afro, sip another cup of ginger ale, and wait for my time.