Dizzy

I'm feeling reaaall... real right now. Kinda standoffish actually. Not exactly a chip on my shoulder, more like a... speck of dust on my glasses.

I just passed a test that had life and death written all over it. The Cavs took that crushing defeat last night. I went to the bank and found out I hadn't spent as much as I thought I'd spent. And... none of that has to do with how I feel right now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm multiple people (hence all of my wonderful aliases). And as such, 'somebody' in this head of mine just doesn't feel like being magical anymore. What do I mean by magical? I'll put it this way: I saw some very attractive women in the course of my day today. Instead of my usual attitude of admiration and appreciation for the aesthetic value of the woman's form, it was more like... "This isn't even a big enough deal for me to say 'big deal' when I really think about it..." It was almost like something inside of me got the report from my eyes and said, "And your point is..."

I think I mighta snapped last night. There was a moment when I just felt overwhelmed with everything. I was tired of my financial situation, tired of pushing my music, tired of being a history major, tired of phone calls, tired of looking out for people, tired of debating, tired of so many things.... I watched the game and saw the Cavs struggling, and I said to myself, "How about if ya'll make it, I'll make it too. If not, then it's whatever."

I had a test in the morning, but I couldn't bring myself to study. I had all week to study, but I just couldn't motivate myself to suck it up for this one class: "I'm a sociologist, not a historian." No more compromising, I just couldn't do it...

I did a few handstands--- I've been trying to work my way into diamond vertical pushups--- as the time passed. Once, I found the perfect balance; my tall body was set perfectly straight up with no swaying and no strain, arms locked in position. But I sat in the position too long, and my blood... did something funny. Bottom line is, I was dizzy as heck when I finally tried to stand up. I didn't fight it though; I casually collapsed to the carpet and waited for my head to straighten out.

For some reason I've been keeping the house a little straighter on the inside. Don't get the wrong idea, appearance matters nothing to me; I can't use neatness for anything productive. Which is why I can't figure out why I'm being neat. Go figure.

I'm not sure why exactly, but I've got this urge to buy a megaphone. I feel like I have something to say, but I haven't quite figured out what it is yet. And a trumpet; I've kinda wanted to get a trumpet too. Even though I haven't finished guitar or piano yet.

I've been waking up mad early every day for a while now. Dad would be proud. Who cares; my eyes are heavy all day now, and my attention span is shorter than...

I've had a craving for salads for the last few days. That's all I want: chicken salads with Honey Mustard or Catalina or Thousand Island dressing. Tryna see if I can lower my blood pressure to make the handstand thing a little less strenous on me.

It's been storming all week, so you know I've been doing a lot of praying. But it's funny; I got tired of hearing myself asking for the same thing--- asking God to remove my brontophobia. I realized that if He wanted to do it, then it would've been done. So I junked that prayer, and I simply said, "In the name of Jesus, remember me." And ya know, that's actually very comforting. I mean, I know He's never forgotten me before, but it serves as a reminder to myself that He knows. Funny thing is, for some reason the storms didn't feel so bad. Granted, I went to my usual hiding place and did my usual thing... but I did it with a lot less anxiety. I guess that's a good thing.

It's Friday already; yesterday it was Monday. Tomorrow'll prolly be Sunday, because I gotta conduct Youth services once again. I'm expecting a few rappers to come to the house and record some new material. What can I say... weekends are for the fortunate few. I've handed out enough free favors to start a non-profit organization.

You want a shurefire formula to leave you good and dizzy? Try figuring out the way what goes around is supposed to come back around.