A Honduras Wind

Sometimes I can't seem to push myself any further. It's been a long time since I first decided to go against the current; I started out soooo early, and it's been soooo long... I'm exhausted, battered, anxious, frustrated, disappointed... sometimes I'm even indifferent, but I've just been at it so long that I persist by default.

Sometimes I feel half-dead. When my body is ready, my mind is never in it; when my mind is ready, my body is never in it. At 24 I have the knowledge; at 17 I had the drive. At 17 I had the skills; at 24 I have the resources. At 17 I had the participants; at 24 I have the blueprint.

The thing is, I saw this documentary last night about Lisa Lopez. And as I watched and learned more about who she really was, I saw her as a real warrior whose mind was blown. No, she wasn't crazy; she was the right and proper result of crazy circumstances. That's exactly what she was. Still, in the midst of everything, she managed to find a way to give to those around her of whatever was placed in her. Her passion for children--- her passion period--- was a beautiful thing, and she radiated it in the best ways she knew how.

The whole time, I was just thinking, "Lisa, how can you save them when you haven't saved, or been saved, yourself yet..."

And I think at that moment, I realized something: I can't let this world destroy me or what I'm about. It seems that all who aspire to something worthy come back in pieces. I'm not coming back in pieces. To see such a benevolent spirit suffer so much, become so contorted, and eventually scattered to the wind; yet, to see her still make a difference... I feel like it would be dishonorable on my part to bail out now.

Maybe I'll never pop on all cylinders like I want to--- like I've always felt I needed to. That's cool, I can live with that. But I refuse to leave this world without making a resounding impact; maybe several resounding impacts. Nothing superficial, no surface wounds... I want to sink flagships and break keystones. And I wanna do it so much that it becomes an unbreakable bad habit.

And when I die, I want it to be because my time was up, not because my life was taken. And I want to die knowing I'm finished. I want to die in such a way that I can dust my shoulder off to this world, leaving behind a crater on this Earth fit to make the moon blush.

I'm not gonna move to Honduras in search of a peaceful place; I'm gonna be at peace here on the battlefield, in the heart of the Dirty South, and in Capitalism's Capital. And then, I'm gonna chill in Canada because I want to, not because I feel I have to.

In the meantime... ya'll look up the name Dr. Sebi. I think you may find some interesting things. B-J