Pulse Check

It's been a long time since I've written anything about my own life. Remember in Volume 1, how I used to write about intimate things? And even in the beginning of Volume 2, "The Unforgettable Night" and such? This has been a very serious series huh?

But, I think that it's just as meritable. The thing is, it's just as important that we grow mentally as it is that we grow emotionally. I think I've experienced a very much mental growth over the past year. I've said this before, but I felt like my teeth came in over last semester. I gained a lot of affirmation regarding my own ideals, and that did big things for my confidence. The whole Marxist perspective, the field of sociology... I really felt at home there in a way that I haven't felt since... middle school, I guess.

I'm certain that my entire school experience was meant to lead me to that field. That's the first satisfaction I've felt in a long time. Still, I wouldn't quite say that I'm "happy"; maybe "content" would be a better word.

The fact is, I still have some major clouds over my head. I'm nervous a lot, not that something "bad" is gonna happen, but that something's gonna change and make things more difficult for me than they already are. I like change when I control it; I don't like it when I don't.

Anyway, I've got money. That's cool. I've also got debt; not so much my own debt, but debt that came when I got my mother's house. That's not cool. You know how little money means to me; I don't like being in a situation where I hafta think about finances in every decision I make. I've NEVER been a big spender, and now, I just can't afford to be. But, to God be the glory for whatever I have at my disposal.

Love? Bah... it's a thorn in my side. There's only one person in the whole world I really want to be with, and that just can't happen at this point because we're 100% out of contact and she's married; then there's my "dreamgirl", who I guess you might've called my sparring partner in love, though it seems we're drifting apart a little. Tryna let go of some irrational crushes I've had, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job there. Don't get me wrong, I still love love. But it's hard to write about something you're not experiencing, especially when you don't want to say what's already been said. And that's pretty much all I'd do at this point.

I've been able to type so much recently because I'm back at my first job, working at a desk at school. Plenty of time to write and think. No complaints there.

Uhhh...

Oh yeah, the music. I'm still frustrated, working with cats that make music I don't believe in. Feelin like a sell-out, that I am, but I also feel I owe these cats cuz they helped me. This is exactly why I'm reluctant to tell people what I do: not many people are on the same page with me, and the truth is, I'd rather not help cats add fuel to the fire that's already burning our society out. That's just me.

As for my music... I'm having trouble getting it together. Music was a habit for me when I first got into it; now, it's a struggle to put just one song together. Between school and phone calls and work and other cats recording contrary music... psychologically, it's just hard. Not to mention the financial pressure with the house; I gotta get outta school ASAP so I can get some decent income, so music is getting a half-a$$ed effort from me right now. And I hate that.

School's been beating me up this semester. I got out of sociology, and it was like I got stripped of my superpowers as soon as I went back to history. First of all, I jumped in a class that was WAY too hard to be a summer course. So I had to drop it; no problem. The problem was I didn't drop it sooner, so it kinda softened me up in my OTHER class. So now, I'm climbing out of an academic hole.

It happens; just so long as I pass...

I thought about selling the house I'm in and moving into the campus apartments or sumn. It would be fun, it would be cheaper, and I'd have the price of a house backing me up financially. But... I dunno. I don't like being uprooted. It was hard enough to get in the position I'm in now, I don't want to adjust to anything else. You gotta understand, I'm from a relatively same-ol-thing family; we don't do stuff like that easily. It's just a thought though, no guarantees there.

I'm hoping the Cavaliers win the championship, because its been a long time since I've had an inspiring story unfold before my eyes. I saw Game 5 when LeBron made history, and I was so happy to see there's still a little gump left in this life.

My musical prefs have changed a bit. I'm really into the West Coast music--- Warren G, Dr. Dre, DJ Quik--- for their production. I like the funk elements and the delayed kicks and snares. Also, the laid-back deliveries of some of the MCs. It's good summertime music.

Um... I'm 24 years old now. Had my birthday May 10th. Nuttin' really went down, which is cool, cuz that's not me. I don't like being made to do anything, ya know? The best company are the cats that know you for you and accept you as yourself.

Uhhhh... I dunno, there's not a lot on my... OH wait! There is this radio show I've been calling in to a lot. Victory Waters Speaks is the name of it. It's a net show, VERY dope. I get to call in and run my mouth a lot, which is what I do here basically. That's been a treat, and Victory is one of the coolest people I've ever come across. If it's not storming, I might call in tonight too. You should check it out, www.victorywaters.com.

That's about it folks; forcing this is makin' my head hurt. The next time I have some real thoughts, I prrrrooomise I'll post 'em here.

Jesus Peace B-J

P.S. - I think I'm getting tired of the statements at the ends of my posts. Most of the time I don't even like em... That's gonna change pretty soon; I'm almos sure of it.