Feelings, Fear, Faith, Fine, Forget It...

Nothing I do feels right. But, that's life. Think of how many things are wrong that feel good to you? The same one came to all of our minds that very moment. If it didn't, then you are one truly sheltered individual.

And I'm jealous...

But seriously, I was brought up under soooo much scrutiny (of no fault of my mother's) that I just naturally don't feel right or confident doing ANYTHING. I could be right beyond any shadow of doubt; I'll just make up a shadow outta thin air so I don't get surprised by the one I know I'm missing. It's good because I'm forever on my toes in everything I do; it's bad because I'm forever on my toes in everything I do.

It makes it hard to know when I make poor choices. The truth is, I question all authority short of God Himself. Why? Because we've been on this earth for thousands of years now, and we STILL ain't got it right yet. So somebody in some position of authority got da be messin' up BIG TIME! And I haven't been here long enough to make those kinda rules yet so...

I'll question authority right now just to show you I'm not crazy when I do it: somebody, anybody... gimme a reason why we have two forks at the dinner table that can pick up the same thing? A dinner fork and a salad fork? Huh? I've tried both on everything: they are interchangeable! Plus, we don't even EAT salad like that! Not in America! Can't you see how obese we are?

Now, you know I'm right about it; you couldn't argue against that if you tried. Yet, when I question authority, even when I KNOW I'm right, it doesn't feel right. Meanwhile, when I don't question authority, knowing I should, it feels equally wrong. And yeah, I pray about it. All the time. But someone once told me that God doesn't give roadmaps outside of His Word; I find that to be quite accurate. Seriously... there is nowhere in the Bible that tells you what job to apply for or what major to take or ANYTHING. So I pray, and I wait for that 'voice', and then I just go do the best I can. After all, the Word just says, "In all thy ways acknowledge Me, and I will direct your path."

I guess the uncertainty makes sense then. I mean, when the path must be "cut" by God, that must mean you can't see it clearly before that. So... what I need is for someone to relay that message to family and friends... and probably send a copy to me as well--- to that little piece inside me that rattles when my world is shaken. I mean, I feel bad about doing good things and thinking practical thoughts just because I find I'm often the only one doing and thinking them. To be in the minority does not inherently put one in the wrong, and if "might makes right", then God, as the Almighty, still overrules the majority.

Eh... Then there's the issue of sometimes not knowing if it's God or the Devil talking to me. I mean, I know my Word. The problem is what I stated before: the Word doesn't exactly cover the little things. The little things that have nothing to do with morality, like, "Should I drop this class? Pops will be mad, but I reeeally don't need to be here, I'll probably flunk, and the sooner I drop, the bigger the refund..."

And for those who would say, "Have faith and stay in the class", that's kinda inaccurate: faith is to be had in the things mentioned in God's Word; His promises basically. Also, couldn't the answer be, "Have faith and drop the class, knowing that He has another prepared for you"? Also, are you assuming that faith will cause one to pass? Don't forget, the same faith that rescued some saints also caused others to be sawed in half...

See what I mean? There, you have the same faith in three manifestations, and neither really... asserts a direction. But I do realize what faith does assert, that being that, if you love the Lord, all things work together for good. And sometimes, that's about all I have to cling to.

But it would be nice to get a Heavenly head-nod every now and then, ya know? B-J