State of the Moment Address

Right now, I'm somewhere between. Tomorrow could be the biggest day of my life; tomorrow could be just another day. But, either way, tomorrow is coming; that's all I need to know.

I've been here for 24 years already. I've lived long enough to say I've seen a definite change come over this world. But this is nothing, because I saw the change coming long before it arrived.

A change for the worse, I regret to say. And yet, the recipe was there all along for it. And it troubles me when people try to single out a culprit by merely citing lawbreakers, particular incidents, and other such deviants. This barely scratches the surface of our current state.

I'm at a loss regarding things to talk about. You ever say something so many times that it begins to sound unfamiliar to you, like another voice is saying it? It's almost like I have a catch phrase for every situation. A good, well-thought-out catch phrase, too.

"I blame her father." "The love of money is killing us." "Capitalism exploits the poor for the sake of the rich." "Talk is cheap." "We're more concerned about the abstract things we can't change than the concrete things we can." "We expect positive examples to come out of negative lifestyles." "That's not God's Word, that's middle-class American values." "America cares too much about its economy and not enough about its people." "The NBA, NFL, and MLB have done more to help people than the FBI, CIA, and FEMA." "Real Christians should be more about redemption and less about condemnation." "Black America has a self-esteem problem." "You'll condemn the poor man for stealing, but never condemn the rich man for exploiting the poor man so that he has to steal." "America hates Canada because Canada displaces America as an enlightened country and as the standard it has always made itself out to be." "Hip hop is not the problem; hip hop is merely the expression OF the problem."

There's nothing more I can say that hasn't been said, figuratively speaking. But, I do feel that I haven't said these things in the right medium or to the right people. I guess all these years I've just been "gathering my thoughts", so to speak.

A lot of time, work, and sweat went into these thoughts. A lot of explications and counterarguments posed; none to much avail at all. And frankly, I got pissed at having to constantly explain, and re-explain, and re-explain myself to people. But I did it anyway, never once assuming my stance was bulletproof.

I hafta wonder if I've finally graduated. As I head to Atlanta tomorrow, have I jumped through enough hoops yet to finally do what I sought out to do at 17. If not, what more should I do. I'll do it, because I have no choice. I don't know how to revert back to whatever I was before all this.

Once, I told someone that I felt I was expendable. You know, like a soldier--- "Ours is not to reason why, but to go and do and die"--- that type of thing. What I gained after that point... I don't know if I can call it strength or not. I learned to do without things. Things like explanations, sympathy, recognition, understanding, and a few other things like that. And you know what?

It feels awful. Works like a charm, but feels awful.

I realized the other day being okay is more than the ability to continue. But until recently, that's all it was to me; I can always continue. I can always "handle it"; I can always "come through". But it's easy for a dead man to conquer life; why should he.