It's Me Again...

Knock knock...
A courageous man wouldn't be summoning what he already has
But a coward wouldn't be standing here against his will

I'm six feet tall, but I feel short in this doorway
Play it off as humility... that's all...

'Didn't bring flowers, candy, or slick words
They say I should just be myself...
Oh please, do they even know who I am?
Exactly... cuz I'm a nobody

And that's the real.



Mmkay... That started to be a poem, but really it's just an intro to a one-sided chat. It's no big deal, but in the midnight hour I just decided to bug out about some nonsense. And that nonsense is the nonsense of my own confidence.

It's no big deal for several reasons. Firstly, I know God already has somebody out there for me, and when the time comes I'll find her. So why do I even sweat girls the way I do, right? And number two, I really do have a good level of confidence. I'm not afraid to talk to people and make friends, and I feel really good about myself overall. Not to mention, I don't doubt my ability in the least because I can do all things through Christ; I've learned to do more things than I may even use in my lifetime.

Still, the one glitch in the mainframe for me is my confidence when it comes to approaching females I'm interested in. And it's funny really, because it's not totally whatchu think. You see, my policy is it's best to be friends first, THEN talk about dating and all that. And when I stick to the script, I'm perfectly fine. It's only an issue because that's not good enough for me. It's one of the few times when I wish I could be like everyone else.

I always wanted to be the type of cat to be able to approach a perfect stranger and ask her out. Not because I think it's a smart thing to do, but it just seems to come so naturally for other people. I wonder where they get the confidence to do it ya know? With no fear of rejection or anything, just walk up to whoever, introduce themselves, and it's like magic. And even when they get rejected, they can brush it off and roll on. 'Never been the case with me.

And I know why I am the way that I am. This is what happens when you're "that kid" in school: the "genius", the "brainiac", "Urkel". Yep, that was me, and having brains got me really, really far in school and in life. But that was only with teachers and parents; socially, it was a whole different story. I don't hafta go into detail here because anybody who's been in school before can tell the story; the smart kid gets picked on, point blank. But what happens to the smart kid in return?

Well, I can't speak for all cats like myself, but this is what happened to me: I got defensive. Did I isolate myself? Nah, not really. 'Matter of fact, when it was all said and done, I had hundreds of friends; even now I can go anywhere in this city and find somebody I'm cool with at almost every corner of it. But, instead of isolating myself, I just avoided situations where my pride would be put on the line. I mean, being the "nerd" was a strike against me, but I was blessed to make friends in spite of it. So the next objective was to do whatever it took to keep me from embarrassing myself and losing what little social ground I had gained. That was my line of thinking back then.

Don't get me wrong, I was big and bad enough to ask a girl or two out along the way. But when I saw the results (it was something like rejection mixed with open displays of ridicule), I counted myself lucky to get out with my dignity and decided not to pursue the issue with anybody else. Bogus huh?

But through it all, what I didn't count on was getting trapped in that mentality. I'm 23 years old now, and still as defensive as I was back then. But there's more to it than what's on the surface... Here's the good news: when I leave my city, I'm as cool as they COME! I mean, I'm in a brand new area with a million faces that don't know me or care what I do. Things that I do at home that people jock me about, people in other cities LOVE IT! The way I walk, talk, think, smile, it's all well received. It's a totally clean slate, ya know? Don't get me wrong, I'm still not one for approaching people even then, but there's SO much less pressure knowing that no matter what happens, that'll be the end of it. And for once, I'm just the average cat with no stigmas.

But, now that we're all grown, the stigmas I grew up with are pretty much dead. Nobody treats me like they used to; heck, I'm not the same cat that I was. I mean I am, but... it's appreciated now. So, why do I still feel like a less-than?

I gotta admit, it's really frustrating reading this to myself. 'Specially since I thought I had it figured out the LAST time I wrote about this. Something's tellin' me that the only way I'm gonna get over this is to put my neck on the chopping block. And heck, maybe I think I know something that I really know nothing about; maybe, just maybe, everybody feels the same way that I do and I just don't know it. 'Funny thing is, I don't think it's gonna make a difference if they do or don't. It's gonna come down to me tearing down my own defenses, and nobody else is gonna factor into that. Which brings me back to my opening: Knock knock...


Of course, I could always settle for the safety of a friend... B-J