The Christmas Series: The Battle of Christmas

Prologue

Okay, so the Christmas Series didn't actually turn out the way I wanted. I STILL gotta tell ya'll about this one! This had to be the best Christmas EVER! Okay.. maybe not. But it was DEFINITELY one of a kind. You can tell Charlie Brown we won this Christmas!

Chapter I

It all started on Christmas Eve. I got an invite from my old church in Trenton, SC to come see their Christmas Eve production. Mainly, I was going to avoid any grievances with my dad, but it wasn't like I was totally opposed to going either; that's half of my family and some of my old friends. So baby sis and I jumped in the car on Christmas Eve and took a little trip down to the country.

I'm not gonna lie, I was running late; we didn't actually arrive until about... um... more than halfway thru the production ;-P. When we showed up, I met two of my cousins, one dressed as an angel, in the foyer. After greeting them, we slipped into the backmost rows of the pew...

WAIT A MINUTE! ALMOST FORGOT!

When we FIRSt got to the church, you'll never guess what was happening! We stepped out of the car greeted by--- no, you didn't guess it--- FIREWORKS! Not from the church, mind you, but the house next door. They had the good stuff too, not the little pappers...

Okay, but back to inside the church. The production (what we saw of it) was wonderful. But I had to say, my favorite part was the singing at the end. Why? Because I remember the choir. Oh my goodness... from the time I was a tot, I remember those same adults year after year after year singing in the choir. And now that I'm old, it feels so good to see the SAME faces, all in relatively good health with only a few traces of gray showing up, lol. That really did my heart some good.

Even though my sister and I thought we were slick, before the benediction one of the familiars of the church spotted us out and announced to the rest of the church family that we were here. It was cool though; we were sticking around to see everyone anyway. We must've shaken hands with and hugged EVERYBODY that night. And I had a strange revelation as it was happening: I realized that my entire life as a child, I was surrounded by some of the most beautiful people I've ever known. I know, it sounds funny right? But I've always had a thing for beauty, and it really meant something to know that that was where it all started.

Meanwhile, I talked to the woman who orchestrated the production, and she reminded me, "Your mother used to be a big part of the Christmas production every year." Yes she did! I still can't believe I had almost forgotten that. We had changed churches years before she passed, but mom did a LOT with the Christmas production and education ministry there. And speaking of education, I ran into one of my mom's co-workers who had relocated--- or should I say re-relocated... it's complicated--- to that area. He was my 12th grade chemistry teacher as well, so you know he and I talked for a LONG time afterwards.

My sister and I left the church on a high, amidst the bright, ongoing fireworks next door. Somehow, this year fireworks seemed to fit the mood. We stopped by our dad's house to give him a gift, as well as get our gifts, chatted with him for a minute, and then made tracks back to South Augusta.

Chapter II

My homeboy from outta town happend to be right around the corner when we returned. You know it was on then... We all were hungry, so we hit the Waffle House; all the usual joints were closed. We sat and talked and laughed it up, me, my friend, and my sis. But the real laughing didn't start until we left. Driving up the street, my friend shouted, "DAWG! TURN AROUND! I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!" I was already out of breath laughing by the time I got back to what he wanted to see: it was a sign to a hair parlor. On the sign there was a face; in the rain it was too hard to distinguish, but in his words, it was either a dog or some racist sambo-face. It wasn't funny (and actually, we still don't know exactly what we saw) but his sheer intensity about it made it hilarious.

After that, I figured, why not keep the laughs up. We watched Popeye the movie and the Chris Rock: Never Scared special on DVD. That was followed by a bit of Ocean's 12, and then he rolled out for the night.

When things finally settled down, I couldn't sleep; I stayed up right into Christmas morning. I was right here at my computer. I can't remember what time it was, but I happened to go to my email, and that's when I got the news, 7 minutes after it happened: "James Brown passes away at 73". I'll never forget it. I remember feeling strange right then, like something was in the air; I think something kinda rattled loose at that moment, and I knew this wouldn't be a typical Christmas. I pushed myself into going to sleep; in a few hours, the REAL Christmas would begin.


Chapter III

Mkay... this was the plan. We were supposed to return to Trenton (aunt's house), eat, return to South Augusta (other aunt's house), eat, go to Columbia County (cousin's house), eat, then return home to South Augusta. But things got complicated.

Now, before we go any further, I'm gonna backtrack. A few days before Christmas, we bought cards; we don't have a lot of money to spend, but my sister and I wanted to make sure everyone heard from us this year. Also, we were frustrated with how divided our family has been over the years. We got the cards out a few days ahead of time and thought nothing more of them.

Until Christmas Day... my cousin in Orangeburg called us to thank us for the card. He thought that we would be coming to see him this year, but truthfully, I had never even been to Orangeburg before. Plus, it was about 1-something when he called, and that was gonna be an hour's-plus drive going and coming; everybody was expecting us and at the moment I couldn't see us making the drive and making the appointments too. After I hung up the phone though...

I cocked my head to the side and looked at my sister. "Wanna go?" I didn't know if we could really make it or not to be honest. But then, I stopped caring; I wanted da see EVERYBODY on Christmas, even if they weren't together. So that was how it was gonna be. NEW PLAN: South Augusta to Trenton to Orangeburg to South Augusta to Columbia County and BACK to South Augusta!!!

I grabbed a map off the Internet and we shot off to Trenton. The plan was to stay for an hour and get back on the road; we didn't stick to it. We messed around and started slammin' dominoes. One of my baby cousins got quite fond of my little sis, so you know I had to revel in that for a minute, too.

But, just as quickly as we had arrived, we hurricaned off onto the interstate, Orangeburg bound.

Chapter IV

I promise, this had to be the scariest trip ever. It wasn't the fact that I was speeding a little bit; it was Christmas, and I DARED A N!GGA to pull me over! HO HO HO!

Nah, but it was a cool ride at first. But, as this was our first time going, we ended up taking this bogus backroad. Backroads suck. First of all, we got to this two-way split... which, according to the map, wasn't supposed to be there. Either we were gonna go straight to Orangeburg, or straight to the gates of... whatever else was the other way. No problem... I went to the gas station and asked the first brotha I ran into (the rest were Mexicans, and I'm no good with speaking Spanish) which way. Just so happens dude was a trucker, and he set me right instantly.

Don't you hate when you're making good time, and they change the speed limit on ya? Well, it happened to us, bruther. We ended up plugging through a rural community in the rain and the fog. How rural was it? There was a Christmas tree in the middle of a pasture; no house in site. There were signs for "tractor crossing" and "horseback rider crossing". And I thought I almost seen some white hoods in that piece. How foggy was it? We passed over this sorry excuse for a bridge (it was so low you could step out the car and dip your toe in the water); you couldn't tell where the water stopped and the fog started. It was a total whiteout.

All I could think to myself was "big trouble", cuz this didn't look anything like what I had imagined my cousin was living in. Turns out I was right; eventually, civilization showed up like the cavalry, and we discovered our cousin in a countryhouse AWAY from Dagobah (<---Star Wars joke).

It was SO good seeing my cousin and his wife and their people. Not to mention, he has this dope Boxer dog named... I never did get the name right. Something like "Oscar" with an R in front; Rasta maybe. Anyway, the food was great, the game sucked cuz Dallas lost. But the best part was just the look on his face; I know he was genuinely glad to see us. And when it was time to leave, he showed us an alternate route to avert Dagobah; matter of fact, he actually drove out with us so we could follow him to the interstate. And before we peeled off, we made sure to get his number and a hug thru the window. It was already dark when we set off back to South Augusta, but it was well worth it.

Chapter V

We got back safely; I'm not gonna say how long it took because... it took a lot less time than when we went up. We'll leave it at that. the next stop was my mother's best friend's house (we call her our aunt) in South Augusta, not far from where we live. That's a lot of twists and turns when you're coming from such a long distance, but it was a treat once we arrived because she ALWAYS has some stuff we've never tried, lol (she's from the islands, so the cuisine always comes with some surprise dishes, and especially DRINKS... You guessed it; she makes GINGER BEER! B-J). I apologized for being so late, but she understood, and we talked for a while and ate and drank. Pretty soon, we were off again, headed to my other cousin's house in South Augusta.

We got there... um... about 10:45 PMish. But in one hour and fifteen minutes, there was still enough Christmas juice left for one more miracle. We greeted everyone and sat down on the floor in the den for some TV (and so my legs could rest a lil). And the darnedest thing happened. You see, my cousin has a daughter, and she's TERRIFIED of me, lol. Well, it's not me; it's my hair. But the last time I came over, they had her hair blown out like mine and showed her it was nothing to be afraid of. So guess what? All of a sudden, she wasn't afraid of me anymore! She started talking to me, and showing me her gifts, and trying to tickle me (which I don't play, cuz I really am quite ticklish a lil bit, lol).

My cousin and his wife and I talked for a while after most of the family had left, about James Brown's passing, and Spike Lee's documentary When the Levees Broke, and the documentary Stealing Democracy. I think my sister and I were the last ones to leave that night. What time did we get home? Get this: midnight on the DOT. What kinda Christmas is that, right?

Epilogue

So, we saw EVERYBODY. We did EVERYTHING. We went EVERYWHERE. We ate EVERYTHING. But you know what's really funny? I keep going by houses and feeling like Christmas is still coming. And then my sister said the funniest thing to me yesterday: "It doesn't even feel like Christmas has come yet". ...What can I say, she's right.

Screw it. 2007 is one day away; I am NOT spending the next 24 hours looking for Christmas. If you ask me, we REDEFINED Christmas this year. It'll never be the same again! We shut Christmas DOWN! We straight REGULATED on Christmas! Family divided? Oh, we saw EVERYBODY SON! Presents? We didn't even make CHRISTMAS LISTS SON! White Christmas? Yeah, WHITE FOG 'N' RAIN SON! Christmas Carols? Oh, we were bumpin ATL BASS MUSIC and JAMES BROWN, blowing the doors off up and down the INTERSTATE SON! And if you don't watch out, we'll f#ck around and do it again NEXT YEAR! SHOUT!!!

And It DON'T Stop! B-J