Steal Away

It's the sweetest moment of darkness; the time is 6:00 am en punto. It's sweet because it's only a matter of time before that crack of sunlight pierces the calm and ruins my night. I thought I'd steal what I could from it.

I spent all night listening to lovesongs; only got about 3-4 hours of any real sleep, but I felt like I had so many dreams. Strange names popped into my mind that I had pretty much forgotten. Even stranger, I had a flashback to preschool, lol. Yeah... I remember being a tot and hearing some of these songs, not having the foggiest idea what they were about. Michael Jackson's "Human Nature", R Kelly's "Your Body's Calling", Aaliyah's "At Your Best" are just three of the songs I remember hearing-but-not-hearing as I grew.

I often think about what life was like before love. Remember that? Well... maybe the ladies don't so much, cuz ya'll matured so fast compared to us. But I remember vividly those days when nothing in the world mattered but fun and friendship. I'll never understand why that had to stop; why we gotta play house now, lol.

I'm beating around the bush here. Am I heartbroken? Yeah, in a way of sorts. But not over some girl somewhere; I got a lifetime to beat my brains in over that. I guess, it's more about all that I am versus all that I wanted to become. And the irony that, had I settled for being like everyone else, I wouldn't be so frustrated right now.

I spend most of my waking hours praying for a time machine, trying to negotiate with an unchanging God. All the while, knowing the futility of it all. But, I'm thankful. Thankful that I have all of my needs met with interest; that's all you can really ask for and expect when it boils down.

At midnight tonight, I actually went out and tried to rollerskate down my driveway, lol. 'Found out how tall I've really become. It's been a long time; 23 years. I still feel like that little nearsighted boy, putting his coat in the cubby at the preschool about this time of morning. 13 years of grade school and 5 years of college. How did I do it...

Speaking of stealing away, there's only a little time left before 2007 arrives. What do I hope in the new year? It sounds funny, maybe a little cold to say it... It's easy for me to love someone. But right now, I need to learn how to forget someone. Actually, several someones. And they're not people who have wronged me, that's the whole problem; if I were to see some of these people, there would be a mutual love between us. But that can't happen. So, I need to lose my way to their memory. Or continue, as in 2006, waking every morning missing them.

I don't like resolutions though.

Tell the sun to hold on a minute, Lord; I'm almost done. Hey, in about 5 days I'm gonna be registered and back in school. One day, it'll all be over. And I'll be an old man telling my kids about living what they believe and such, and how I dragged my heels and went down fighting when I didn't agree with things. Didn't have much help. Didn't need it. It's funny though; when you fight for so long, you find yourself forgetting what you were fighting for on numerous occasions.

I can feel the sun coming on, though it's still dark. I think I want it to find me nestled under the comforter. Kinda reminds me of surprise parties when you fake like you didn't see it coming, lol. But I'm just not 100% down for seeing the sunrise right now, so I'm gonna close my eyes.

Good Morning/Good Night B-J