Looking Forward

I'm listening to "Too Late to Turn Back Now" by the Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose. Maybe it's the song, but I feel so... good right now. I mean, actually I have a headache, and I'm not really excited about anything. 'Wary of pretty much everything around me, 'matter-of-fact. And expecting some unpreferred circumstances in the coming months.

But... I feel good! I'm thankful to God for everything, whether it's exactly what I want or not; it's all to my benefit. I think I'm eager to see what unfolds next for me; like, anything is better than just staying in the same old zone and mode all the time. It's like going on a long trip, when the bus first pulls off. That's the feeling I have right now.

So, I'm on my way to graduating college and becoming a teacher; it's not like either of those is gonna kill me, right? Maybe some of my aspirations, but not me. Heck, it's the "necessary paperwork" and a paycheck; if nothing else, it's something to talk about with people I come across. Social icebreakers, you know the drill... And even if I find either of those things hard to swallow, at least it's something to chew on, dig? Sometimes something distasteful is better than starving on nothing.

And really, the only reason these things are distasteful to me is because, at an early age, I chose to take a stand about things in life. I refused to go through the motions blindly like everyone else, and if nothing else I can say I did that. Nobody can say I didn't, plus, more than likely, nobody cares anyway. Except the person I go to sleep with every night, which is me.

In the meantime, I'm actually having trouble keeping myself occupied. I mean, I'm playing guitar and piano and producing and all that--- and writing poetry and raps--- but it all just feels so... doomed, lol. Like, I'm doing these things, and in the end they may or may not pay off; in so many ways, it's outta my hands. But somehow, I just... really don't care, ya know? What am I gonna do, sit here and cry about it? Tear it all up? God blesses us when we can rejoice in spite of circumstances, so that's kinda where I am right now. Rejoicing in spite of the worst that hasn't happened... yet. And since it hasn't happened, who's to say that it WILL happen? ...Like I said, it's outta my hands.

So, in this weird and kinda sick way, I'm looking forward to things to come. And heck, I can't say any of it is a surprise, so I'm not experiencing any shock or fear. That's a blessing in itself. Funny thing is, as much as I'm looking forward, I'm totally not seeing Christmas or New Year's right now, lol. I mean, I'm usually in church on New Year's Eve anyway, so there's nothing to really anticipate there. But even Christmas doesn't seem... there, lol.

It's December 2nd now; January 4th I'll be registered for the next semester and deadly close to this so-called "next level" of my life. Tell you what tho: I'm gonna start my party now, and circumstances can catch up when they get around to it. 'Cuz it's not about circumstances, and I don't need the right circumstances to have a good time; seems like if I waited for the right circumstances, there would be no party. But heck, I'm probably getting waaaay too ahead of myself. "Sufficient to the day are the evils thereof", so I'm gonna tune this all out and play this song until I'm sick of it.

"It's Too Late, To Turn Back Nooow..." B-J