From the Other Side of the Mirror

This is an episode of me not taking my own advice...

As much as I tell people not to be concerned with what people think of them--- and don't get me wrong, I'm not changing myself to please anybody--- I can't help but wonder from time to time what people think of me. I guess... because I really don't know what I think of myself.

The only thing I know for sure is that I love myself, for better or worse. When I look in the mirror, I see the most regular-regular cat on earth. Except... not really. See, I told a friend of mine once that, no matter what I do, I always feel like a boy amongst men. 'Funny thing is, she told me it's the exact opposite and that I was a man amongst boys. Was she being honest? Did she really mean that? Or was she just flirting or sumn? My mom told me once that my eyes are different than most other guys my age; purer or something like that. Well... it's definitely not a lack of exposure, unfortunately. Maybe it's sincerity? Or maybe inexperience?

Anyway... then there's the physical aspect. I'm one da lightest cats on this EARTH, lol. But you know what, that never really bothered me. Only time it bothered me was when my pops used to push me to get bigger, but that's long gone. I'm very strong for my size though, which is cool. But, even taking a weight training class or two and hard labor didn't make me gain any bulk; it just put more definition on this little size I've got, lol. But in college, size and strength isn't quite as important as it is in grade school when you hafta take Phyz Ed. every day.

Nope, in college people actually respect you for your intelligence ('bout time). Seems like that would be good for me, since my mind is prolly my best feature. But, just when I'm about to finally find my niche, I get fed up with school. I see it as a big kiss-a$$ parade that's not really about mental enrichment as much as it is about workforce mobility. Sux tho, because in the aftermath I lost my motivation for academic pursuits. When I thought about how many people graduate college and how many actually do anything meaningful afterwards... knowledge for knowledge's sake wasn't good enough for me.

Of course you can see how turning on everything you've ever known might cause you to feel a lot of things. So now, I find I've become a romantic of sorts. I express myself in whatever medium is available, hoping to find others who feel the way I feel and think the way I think. Why? Because there's power in numbers I guess. If I can get the right number of the right people, maybe I can do more than just express myself; maybe I can put muscle behind my expressions and change the world. But I'm getting off topic...

I'm curious to know how people see me... I guess because it will affirm that I'm communicating effectively. As far as I can tell, right now I embody something that a lot of people fear and don't like to approach. That's cool though; every adult I've ever known was the same way. And come to think of it, that's the greatest fear I've ever had; becoming like those stagnant, passive, apathetic adults I've seen thoughout my life. So, in retrospect, perhaps I feel like a boy because I've spent so much time avoiding "grown folks". But that wasn't my intention; I never wanted to remain a boy, just to become a different kind of man.

There's people that baby me; there's people that avoid me; there's people that kick it with me; there's people that mock and laugh at me; there's people that come to me for advice; there's people that see potential in me; there's people that depend on me; there's people that look up to me; there's people that warm up to me; there's people that don't understand me; there's people that worry about me; there's people that see me as insecure; there's people that see me as a leader, even as an MLK Jr. in the making...

It's like Citizen Kane; I'm sitting here trying to piece together who I am from the perspectives of other people. And you know what's so bad about it? Even now, I know that the only person who can truly identify me is God; nobody else knows enough about me to tell me who I am. That should be good enough for me.

It SHOULD Be... B-J