Cupid, You Are a Bisexual Hermaphrodite...

...go screw yourself.

I can't describe how good it felt to say that. Well, it's that time of year again.
To be honest, I'm not feeling very romantic... Okay I am, but no more than usual. It's hard to think about love with the smell of cigarette smoke all over me; no, I don't smoke, I just drove my dad's truck today. Oh, and did I mention they're trying to lay him off? Yeah, his company just got bought out; hundreds of workers about to lose their jobs. All hail capitalism. Keep up the good work, America.

The profanity is ringing so loudly in my mind, I really don't see the point in not saying it...

Oh, I'm sorry. This is supposed to be a Valentine's-type entry. I don't see myself being involved in the festivities this year, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it in the air a little. I'll make room for it.

I'm not really sure what to talk about. If you wanna know about where I am in love, nothing's really changed: the "one" for me is married already and my "dream girl" lives in Detroit. But, if the first was the "one", then she wouldn't be married already, theoretically. And the "dream girl" is a heck of a sweet dream; sometimes dreams are sweeter if they stay that way. Go figure.

I keep listening to "Tiger in the Rain" by Michael Franks. I'm probably just as frightened as the tiger in the song (and 10x more brontophobic). I feel like I'm looking for shelter, just like the tiger. But, I don't want to get into a relationshiop just for that reason, ya know? I think it's better to get things under control on my own strength first.

But oftentimes I do wonder; maybe life is so difficult because it's not meant to be lived alone. Overall, I'm very solitary; even my closest friends are those who respect my space and maintain their own. I'm such an odd cat that it's difficult for me to imagine someone who's compatible. At the same time, I don't see myself changing just for the sake of being more accessible.

Going back to the fear thing though. You know what scared me the other day? And I know I've mentioned this before, so I find it kinda funny that I'm saying this. But it's the fact that... I could probably be single for the rest of my life and be totally okay with it. That frightens me.

As I lay here half-asleep, it really doesn't seem so bad to be alone. But they say it's not healthy to isolate oneself. I wonder is that true, or does it apply only to social people who try to go it alone? I'm rambling a bit...

What does all this hafta do with Valentine's Day? Not a thing really. Like I said, I'm not feeling very romantic; too many real life situations threatening my livelihood at the moment.

Ya know, before I go, I just made an observation. Love is a beautiful thing. It's beautiful to experience, but it's also beautiful to observe. And... that's kinda where I am right now. When I think of love, when I see love, it fills my heart with good feelings. Like an exquisite work of art. And then... I move to the next exhibit. Is it possible to really be this way? I guess it is, huh...

Patience that leads to the starvation of desire. Is this right? It seems like with each passing year of solitude, it becomes easier to add another year.

Anyway, I'm really tired. Feel like a burned-out cigarette. Definitely gotta wash these sheets out in the morning.

Good Night B-J