Heaven Only Knows

If we wanted to, we could live our entire lives on pins and needles. There's always a reason. The mere fact that we don't know the future is enough to keep us wary until the future gets here. You never know when to be conservative in anticipation of a better opportunity, or when to go for broke because there's nothing to look forward to.

There are many horrible truths that lie beneath even our happiest moments here. The fact that all of us must die someday for instance... Heck, I try sometimes to convince myself death isn't so bad; I'm saved, so when I die, I go to Heaven and all that. That still doesn't deal with the fact that when I'm gone, somebody will still be here with an empty spot in their life; nobody, not even the most holy Christian, escapes the pain of losing a loved one. And if a person close to me should die before me, then I'll be the one with the empty spot for the rest of my life. And I've found that Death's scythe is cold; anybody can get it in any way at any time with no exception. It's a no-win situation.

...But I do realize: "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord."

I don't want and never wanted any trouble, but they tell me this life is full of suffering and that's just the way it is. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was play, have fun, smile, make other people smile. What's so wrong with that? Why did things hafta go so terribly wrong? I wasn't there in the garden of Eden, yet, I'm the result of and receive the burden of something that had nothing to do with me. When a student asks me, "Why didn't God kill Satan in the beginning and stop all this from happening" and I hafta beat around the bush and dig up a half-baked answer, the thing that makes it so hard is that I'm asking God the same question.

Reality is sad. And I wonder why sadness seems to be the default preference of this universe we live in. Heaven isn't far away, true enough. But why all this hellishness in the meantime? Why, when the circumstances of the Fall were under the watchful eye of an Almighty God who, theoretically, could've stopped it all in literally blink of an eye?

I don't mean to pry into things beyond me; I know it's not my place. He's infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, infallible God, and I'm... finite, scrawny, small-minded, one-spotted, proven-defective me. But I can't help but wonder, ya know? It's disheartening, and hard to "forget about". Especially on a day like today, when I feel so sluggish and full of regret. And when I remember the things in my life that I had little-to-no control over: the wonderful people who aren't here with me anymore, the relationships that went bad, the hassles I go through daily to get somewhere that I don't even really want to be! If the name of the game is learning that life here is bad and life in Heaven is good, then I've got the first part of the equation down pat...

See, and now I sound suicidal. But I'm really not. I'm just... sad. And I'm even sadder because I know I'm not gonna get an answer this time just like I didn't get an answer before or the time before that. And just like last time, I'm only writing this to vent my feelings, because I already know I won't get an answer...

I truly am sorry for every wrong I've ever done; it definitely wasn't worth all this grief and regret and consequence and reflection over how things could've been. If I could've opted to start life with a clean slate, I definitely would've done it. But I was conceived as an inherent sinner in need of salvation with no exception; I never had a shot at a clean slate. And I'm soooo soooo thankful for salvation, but the presense of sin is still with and within me and with and within everyone around me every day. And what hurts is that the reasoning for it is beyond me... Why not stop the first sin from ever being committed? Why opt from the beginning to hafta come to Earth in human form and suffer the punishment of sin to save us? Why can't there just be good without bad? Why can't there be true love without these trials?

I'm asking these things, but they're not for me to know. I already know these questions will persist with me until I'm done on this Earth. I'm sorry if I was wrong to ask them. I still trust Jesus Christ to the fullest, but, as He knows, it's not easy being human. Especially in today's time. Especially in my shoes. I know I don't have it the worst, but I have it enough.

I hope nobody else ever gets punished for any wrong I've ever done B-(