Life, You Can Go On Without Me...

"Hope is a tease, that only comes full circle at three-hundred sixty degrees..."

This is gonna sound like a suicide note, but it can't be one; I think I'm already dead. And Life, you can go on without me...

It's nothing new, really. What I'm trying to say is, nothing goes down the way I want it to; and throughout life, it rarely ever has. Yet, life has persisted. I've kept on living; it's just that the 'I' has been silent. This character's frame has been pushed and pulled and manipulated by seen and unseen forces from the very beginning. And in the midst of it, this character has failed to even be acknowledged as... present, I guess is the right word.

I never wanted to go to school, but I'm here. I only wanted to pursue music and activism, but I'm not there. I never wanted to be a teacher, but I'm well on my way there. Never wanted to marry a certain person, but I feel it's gonna happen inevitably...

So, today I get a call from my uncle--- about the house I'm living in, the cars, and the other material things that need dealing with. I've been trying to stay in this house because I've established myself here: I've got my studio setup and I've built a strong social network to help me get where I need to go. But after that call today, I just got tired of being nudged; "nudged" meaning he's wanted the house sold the entire time, as my mother wanted the same. So what the hell... I think I'm gonna sell it; if for nothing else, so I can have some peace. And Life, you can go on without me. Again.

"Why sell it? If you want to stay there, then fight for it!" Shawty, I've got too many OTHER fights to win; I don't have that kinda fight left in me. This one's gonna send me over the edge if I'm not careful. Uncle calls the whole situation a "blessing in disguise"--- new opportunity and whatnot. (There's that nudge again! Translation: sell the house and look forward to being in a new place. Nevermind what you leave behind...) I'm assuming that, eventually, one of these "hidden blessings" will put a [genuine] smile on my face.

Talking to him today, it felt like I was going back to October 2005 all over again. As my uncle approaches town, I'm waiting to see how he reacts to the studio I've set up in what used to be my mother's room. But if he doesn't like it, he won't hafta worry about it long; when the house gets sold, it'll be all gone. And God knows if I'll have enough strength to set up shop somewhere new; I'm f#ckin' tired of protecting this dream.

So I'm thinkin' to myself, "If I sell this house, that's gonna be a substantial amount of money for my sister and I. More than enough for me to leave this country..."

It's a thought. But hell... I've had a taste for Canada for a good lil while now. This wasn't my plan, leaving the South before making an impact here. But since when have things ever gone my way? Since when has it ever been under my control? So, what do I have to lose? Nothing that I haven't lost already...

I was soooo looking forward to this week and weekend. But it seems like the very day I got out of class, an alarm went off. And space invaders from every corner of my life just came out the woodworks to pay me a visit. This is gonna be a loooong weekend...

Meanwhile, I regret to admit that some girl's got my heart, again. But my life isn't my own; it makes it difficult for me to see myself getting involved with anyone on a long-term basis. You can never miss what you never had though; Life goes on without me.

The worst part is, all-in-all, my family is looking out for my best interest; I don't even have the right to be upset.

...Don't have the right to be upset. The right. To be upset. Life can SO go on without me. Do you see that? Unbelieveable.