Nobody's Home

I had a friend. I had feelings. I had to get them off my chest. Then... I had an epiphany.

I can't believe how I let somebody that I have no contact with straight RUN me. But what can I say: she means the world to me. I mean, the fact is, nobody compares to her; it'll be a long time before I meet somebody else that even holds a light to her.

But all that is done. I'm done with dreaming and wishing. For once, I'm not gonna live in my own little world; I'm gonna acknowledge what's there. Nothing.

Pride? I don't care about that. Maybe you don't understand exactly how empty I feel right now. You've got to have something left inside to be able to experience pride. I'm HOLLOW right now.

NOBODY'S HOME...

Why does love matter so much. What's the big deal. Somebody please tell me. Because right now, I see no reason not to be absolute-zero about it.

Sometimes, it feels like somebody's messing with me--- taunting, if you will. When, for instance, I find myself being most attracted to the women who are the most off-limits. And it's not like I go LOOKING for married women at all; they just happen to be the ones that have the characteristics I'm looking for.

Every.

Single.

Time.

And frankly, I'm tired of even having love on my mind. Nothing productive comes of it, ya know? It's not fun, it's not relaxing, it's not... for me. I could be thinking of better things. And if not, I could be discovering better things to think about.

And it would be just my luck that "there's nothing better than love". But heck, I've settled for less so many times before in life; I'll just do what I always do and settle for less again. No skin off my back.

Maybe I can't fool myself into believing I'll never think of her again--- or anyone else for that matter. I can't even pretend that if she were to show up on my doorstep tonight, I wouldn't throw everything away to be with her. But I can say this: I'm ashamed of myself. I'm disappointed with myself; I've let myself down. And because of that, I'm removed from myself. Because life is too short to let this fool heart of mine mess it up.

And at the end of the day, I still love love. It's just not a game I'm trying to be a part of. Sumn like that.