2 Shy 2 Die 4 It

Ever since I started this Romancexpress journey, I've been searching myself to discover who I really am. We all do it, but sometimes you can get so lost in yourself... It's good to have something tangible to refer to, just so you don't find yourself going places you've already been.

Well, the funny thing is, I find myself doing just that: going to a place I've already been... several times actually. But I'm not referring to revisiting a subject or memory; I mean, I keep returning to a realtime spot. See, there's this young lady I've been trying to get the nerve to approach for quite some time; at this point, it's been such a long time that I feel stupid about it all. I'm talkin months. It's ridiculous.

That's what I said to myself in the parking lot tonight, and even the time before that. Still, I got outta my car, strolled inside the establishment, and found myself strolling out about 5 minutes later having accomplished nothing. This has been going on since before Valentine's Day. The bottom line is, I'm a punk.

But I realize too that being a punk is just a manifestation of something more significant: confidence issues. What kills me is that I've been here before; I've known that my confidence isn't what it should be for a good while now. And I really thought I was improving; I watched my own progress and I have the experiences to prove it. Have I regressed back into shyness or something? ...Anywasy, I've returned to the subject figure out exactly what's wrong, and hopefully come to a permanent resolution.

Not too long ago, I used to not care much for myself; I felt like I was a subpar person physically. I once told a friend of mine I always felt like a boy amongst men; 'didn't matter who it was, that was just my default feeling, like some kinda inferiority complex. But around my first year in college, I got past that. Now, when I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror and I really like what I see, ya know? I don't know how anybody feels about me, but I know how I feel about myself. I'm a dope cat; no better or worse off than anyone else.

So... why in the world can't I approach this young lady?

Maybe it's my status. Not so much my status with other people, but my status with myself. Financially insecure at the moment; goals beyond my immediate reach. It doesn't feel like I'm 'bout anything, but I know I grind toward my goals like every day; I got the beats, verses, poems, and unedited books to prove it. Perhaps I feel I have nothing to offer at the moment... Kinda makes me wanna give up my aspirations and settle for being a teacher or something, just for the stability; just so I can say "I am 'something'". (That's pretty pitiful that we determine what we are/our worth by our occupations...)

Or maybe... I've always have had a fear of rejection; that could be the problem. But, why am I so sure I'm gonna get rejected? I know I'm nobody special like that, but I'm a decent cat. And, shoot, even if she does reject me, why should that matter to me? She's one girl among many. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with me; only that there's somebody else out there better suited. It's funny, I always say I don't care what people think of me (hell, I might get ragged on for writing this). The truth is I really don't care what people think... as long as it's people I have no affection for. But when it's somebody I'm interested in, I really DO care what they think; so much so that I'd rather not approach them than approach and be rejected.

"Pride precedes destruction..."

The more I think about this thing, the more I focus on the problem of my confidence than the task of approaching this girl. I do like her a lot and I'd love to date her, but what I really think I want is to conquer this fear. I'm sitting here writing this self pep-talk and I'm so disappointed. In a week or so, more-than-likely, I'm gonna find myself back in the same parking lot doing the same thing to no avail. And on one level, it's not even about this girl; it's about me finishing what I started.

As much as I want to see the best of me, I realize this confidence issue is keeping me from experiencing it. The best of me will be when I'm unafraid to open myself up. I gotta be willing to risk possible disappointment, knowing that I can rebound from it. It's kinda like, you gotta be willing to die before you can really live. I know that sounds extreme, but in essence it's the same principle. But I'ma be honest: I'm not ready to die.

Then again, who really ever is ready to die; it's whatever. I'm "dying" just as much by punking out as I would be if I went for it and got my feelings hurt. No sense in choosing a slow death. At least if I go for it, there's the possibility I might not get rejected after all, right?

...Right.

Somebody Call a Coroner B-\