Make Me Laugh

Yep. I'm talking to myself. "Hello Me, how are we." Crappy and sh!tty. So I'm gonna tell Me some jokes to make Me feel better. That's right, I'm gonna make Me laugh. If you don't like it, we don't care; we'll merk you and sell the property they bury you on on eBay for a half-a-peanut. That's a pea, fool.

When I was born, I hope I gave the doctor the dirtiest look... I was only safe for 9 months. Then I came into this world, blind as a Republican. That's right, I was born nearsighted. And we didn't find this out til after my preschool teacher had beat the awesomeness out of me for not reading the alphabet right.

"What's this letter, Matthew?"

"Matthew can't see that sh!t Ms. Grant. Can't you tell by all this squintin'?" She musta thought I was Chinese or sumn. My bad, "Asian"; political correctness, politcal correctness...


Speaking of politics, I hate to do this, but it must be done... Barack Obama for President. Not because I actually want him for President, but because... I wanna see how bad America is gon struggle with that name. Not the media now, cuz they can f#ck a man's name up, and they'll change his name to whatever they say it is. I'm talkin bout US. US who's favorite song was Laffy Taffy just a lil while ago... Oh yeah, this gon be some sh!t here. I can see it now:

"Mama, we got a Black man for President. Baramp Parama!"

"You mean Barack Obama."

"What the hell?! We at war with terrorism, and now we got a bomber for President? How did THAT happen?"

"Not 'bomma' with an 'o'; 'bama' with an 'a'. B-A-M-A."

"Even worse, ya'll elected a bamma for President..."

Don't blame me folks, I'm just the messenger. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't gon' happen.


Meanwhile, I realized some things today. I realized that 'nigga' backwards is actually 'aggin'. So, I figured out that I must be dyslexic, because every time I see a nigga, I say, "Again?"



Got Valentine's Day comin up this Wednesday. I said it once, I'ma say it again: Cupid, you are a bisexual hermaphrodite. Go screw yourself.



At the Grammy Awards, Christina Aguilera sang "This is a Man's World" in tribute of James Brown. As a Black man and as an Augusta native, born in Georgia, raised in Carolina, I can say this: who's idea was it to... Lemme phrase this delicately... Ya'll couldn't have found NOBODY... DARKER... to sing the songs of Soul Brotha Number 1? If I said that the sh!t made sense to me, I'd hafta be born-again AGAIN.



So I've been listening to the radio a liiittle bit, and I keep hearing Jennifer Hudson's new rendition of Jennifer Holliday's classic, "You're Gonna Love Me". One station played the songs back to back for listener comparison. So I heard them both. And here's my take on it: that's two women I'm glad I never got involved with. You ever get the feeling somebody would kill you to keep you? Whoa... O_o



So I'm back in school now. And I never wanted to get high so bad in my life. Remember how the campaign used to be "Stay in school/say no to drugs"? These geniuses never pieced together that it was the staying in school that was causing kids to turn to drugs. I put that on my... Ludacris album. Cuz I don't want it.

Just kidding... I don't even have it. ZINGGGG



I went to Taco Bell 2 days ago and met a woman... There is just nothing that sounds right about that statement.



I can't figure out why R. Kelly is still free people, it blows my mind. Okay, he pissed on the girl that you saw on the tape (yeah, I know you saw it). That's still being processed. But what about the way this man just pissed on Ciara?! Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm tambout... That remix? To "Promise"? Oh, he pissed ALLLL OVER that. And we got it on tape... CASSETTE tape. LOCK HIM UP BEFORE HE STRIKES AGAIN!



I found myself at a loss the other day. I was going to talk to this older woman right... I mean, she seemed older, but at the same time she seemed very young, which is what was so attractive. Come to find out, this lady has a teenaged daughter. So I'm trying to reconcile in my own mind how this is gonna work out: the mother's too old, the daughter's too young. SEEMS like there should be an in-between somewhere. Like, is there a way to put two women together and average it out? I'm trying really hard to make sense here...



Some say the first company in the US was the Dutch East India company, or sumn like that. Nope. The first company in the US was UPS: "Let Brown Do It". We called it slavery. D@mn, we can't get credit for SH!T over here.



And I told ya'll hip hop was getting too commercial. Now it's 100% commercial. Commercial for Chevrolet to be exact. Starring T.I. and Young Jeezy. If you deny it, you need glasses thicker than they make em; you need binocular glasses nigga. And you better watch your heroes cuz, and I don't know about you, but I ain't wit that down-low sh!t...



I got a couple of chuckles about my resemblence to Norbit in the last couple of days. That's cool. I would just like to say to those people, you're right; and like Norbit, I'm not into beastly broads. Which means you're sh!t outta luck. Sorry peeps.



Laughter is the best medicine. But the APA won't allow me to practice without a license. It's bad for business, like having workers to pay...


I Like Your Vocals Down-Low, Down-Low, Down-Low... B-J