Razor Under My Tongue

Aight, it's no excuse; not tryna make one. This is my blog, where I speak mainly to myself about myself to put myself in perspective. Back-back...

So I notice I've been slipping a few 4-letters in my speech here and there recently. I really am trying to stop, I really am. Not many know this (cuz not many people REALLY know me like they like to think they do), but I used to cuss a lil bit back in middle school. It was mainly due to pressure and provocation and being around others the cussed. But real talk, it didn't last long; once I got out of that environment, I didn't have any incentive to do it. It didn't fit me.

So, why now? What has caused me to be of the razor-tongued persuasion in recent months?

First of all, let me repeat again (cuz ya'll got short attention spans) that I do not endorse profanity, nor do I use it regularly in real time... when people are around. But the truth is, ever since my mom passed, I've been sitting on a lot. I am a person of very deep and intense feelings; even moreso because I keep them to myself. But what I've found is emotions have a tendency to find other ways to express themselves if not directly. Freudian slips of the tongue are one of these ways.

I was listening to this song the other day; I would mention the name, but it's somebody you don't listen to. Trust me... you don't. Anyway, he has this song, "Lil Mama's Gone", about how he stays in the streets because his Mama, his "home", is no longer alive. You might not be able to relate to this if you've still got your parents; you probably wouldn't even listen to a song like that because, somewhere inside, you don't even like the thought of that being possible. Believe me, I know; I didn't start listening until after it happened.

But when I think back to the fact that my mom's not here, and think about how powerful that really is and all the things surrounding the situation that I won't even mention here... Really--- even though I don't like or believe in cursing--- the only word that seems appropriate is 'damn'. And that's just the cold truth. I might not say it, but I feel it.

And I'm like that with a lot of situations nowadays. When I see someone acting stupid, doing stupid, being stupid... I mean, I've been forced to watch monkey-bizness all my life; I'm TIRED of it. If I don't say sumn, I might actually just swing on somebody one day...

I mean, I used to be a master at tucking my tongue. And it seemed like the more I tucked, the more reason I had to tuck. And it seemed like things were just happening because I wasn't allowed to say how I really felt; like poking a stick at a caged animal.

No excuse.

My other reason for letting the tongue slip and slit: even though I'm a Christian, I don't "fit-in" with a lot of Christians. I mean, I do "love the brethren" and such. What iggs me is how many ignorant, sheltered, overly-optimistic, naive, bougie, disconnected, judgmental, Heavenly-bound, Earthly-no good, ineffective Christians are constantly around me. Right is right, wrong is wrong; and clueless is clueless. You know what I mean? Like, the type of thinking that's making everybody try to scapegoat hip hop instead of addressing inner city poverty that causes starvation and desperation and deprivation... and THEN some lil songs.

I'm not gonna lie; sometimes I let one slip just to see how people will react. Why? Because I find it entertaining how little it takes for them to acknowledge you as a bad person in spite of all the good one might do. And I also find it entertaining what people prioritize as the most "imminent" evils; I know people who are more judgmental of words than they are of... rape, murder, blasphemy, theft, exploitation, greed, the love of money, absentee fathers, strippers, whores, pimps, and child pornography. I'm sorry Lord, but that's SOOOO entertaining to me. But I know it's wrong, and I'm really trying to stop.

Lastly... it's because... I'm still trying to find the scripture in the Bible that specifies exactly what qualifies as a curse word. Yes, it's splitting hairs, I know. But, if I'm right about this, then not only are THOSE words wrong, but any word similar to them such as shucks, rats, good grief, yowza, criminey, capitalism, and anything else that fits in the blank. You know me Lord; I question anything that isn't explicitly spelled out to me, because you know how Your people tend to take something and make it into whatever suits them.

Neither my intense emotional stress, nor my disdain for Conservative Mainstream Christian thinking, nor my inquisitive nature is an excuse for cursing. But they're my reasons. Deep beneath it all, those are the things that cause my tongue to slip at times. I've had it under control for some years now, so I know I can quit it. So I will. But now that I have real reasons, as opposed to when I was a kid and it was just pressure, it may be a liiittle more difficult. People with real issues might understand; if you're not one of those people, please don't go there with me. I won't cuss you out, but there's a million ways to bust grapes, crack pecans, wall nuts, shatter jewels, crush generations...

I'm just SAYING! B-J