Unkillable

I always tell people, "You don't hafta worry about me. I'ma always be alright." And it's true; I'll always be cool. It's in the Bible: "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord".

In so many ways, I'm unkillable. I mean yeah, I can be defeated. And lets be real: if I get shot, I'm history. Not that there's much to hit...

But when I say I'm unkillable, what I'm saying is, in life, I don't find myself in situations where I can't win. I'll put it in perspective for ya... I've played a lot of video games in life, and I've noticed a difference between the old games and the new ones: in the old ones, when you die, you only come back a certain number of times before "game over"(because there's no save point in the game); in the new games, you can die and come back as many times as you want, as long as you decide to try again.

The question with me is never if I can win, but if I'm willing to try again until I do...

I shouldn't feel this way on my birthday. But hey, reality doesn't recognize any 'special' days; 'matter of fact, it seems to plan things for when you don't need them most.

But I guess it's natural for a father to see his son on his birthday; give him a card on one hand, financial troubles and personal insults on the other. It's little things like that... That's the reason why you probably were more excited about my birthday than I was folks. My life is such that, the instant I let my guard down, I'll wish I hadn't.

That's kinda why I'm so hard to comfort; you can tell me whatever you want, but no one has ever told me anything that stopped trouble from coming. Period. I know God is with me; I know weeping may endure for a night; I know all things work together for good. I also know that right now, at this moment, my skin is red. I know my body temperature is higher than it should be. And I know it won't be the last time. I know I'm not out of the woods.

I'ma be honest with you; I really just want war. I really just wanna get it all off my chest, come out swingin' with no regard for my adversaries. I'm 24 years old, been sittin' on too much for too long. But I can't do that. It's not the "right thing to do..."

I'll tell ya right now, I'm not gonna lose. But again, I'm left with the question of whether or not I want to win. In God's book, winning would be continuing to take the suffering until daybreak; continuing to take the insults, knowing that a better day is coming, knowing that I'm in the beloved, knowing that trouble don't last always. And losing... losing would be unloading 24 years of anguish the next time my father crosses me, and not stopping until on of us is in tears, humiliated, remorseful, out on a limb, enraged.

In my book, winning is not having to deal with either, and losing is having to choose between the lesser of two evils. "Sufficient to the day are the evils thereof"; that's real talk right there. In achieving escape from situations, suicide makes sense... to a nonbeliever. But if you're saved, and you really believe that all things work together for good, then suicide is the answer of a coward and a hypocrite; thus, I stay in the game.

Unkillable--- not like an invincible hero, but like an undead soul. Having suffered, and having no choice but to suffer until God decides to change the situation.

And this has been a... birthday message? Gross, lol...