Presenting: Pharaoh Amen-Ramen

I was jokin around with some homies the other day and telling em how I live and die by Ramen noodles, as do many college students. But seriously, there's an art to it people. You can't just purchase Ramen; you must first understand the Ramen. Ramen is a great accessory to those who know how to handle it; but to those who do not, it can bring about utter destruction.

So... I, Pharaoh Amen-Ramen, shall bestow unto the people, especially those in college, the mysterious secrets of Ramen noodle...

First of all, Ramen noodles are NOT a delicacy, I don't care how you dress them up. Ramen noodles are about as basic as you can get. BUT, do not be fooled; it is the baseness wherein lies the beauty of them. Because they are so basic, they are CHEAP. THIS is why Ramen noodles are the college student's best friend; with school sharking people for money at every turn, Ramen noodles create leverage by reducing food costs.

Now, Ramen noodles come in different packaging. First, there are the noodle cups. The noodle cups are usually the most expensive buy (we're talkin 3 for a dollar here, be cool) but that's because they usually come with trimmings. By trimmings, I mean sometimes they have actual vegetables and piece of meat in the cup, which iz dope.

So you'd think, with them coming in a cup, that the thing to do would be put the water in the cup and microwave the whole shabang. But the funny thing is, even though they come in a cup, you're advised to boil the water separately. Now, I don't know about you, but I buy that. Why? Man, they discovered plastic has cancer-causing agents in it that can be "sweated" out in microwaves; so what do you think the heat-resistant styrofoam iz gonna sweat out? Pharaoh's warning...

Secondly, there's the bags of Ramen you can buy. Not a bad idea at all; cheaper than the cups, and no styrofoam to poison you. HOWEVER, there's a drawback. The bagged Ramen doesn't come ready-made, i.e. with meat and vegetables. Instead, it comes with flavor packets meant to simulate the tastes you might have with a more complete Ramen cup. Let importantly, you also need a vessel to cook the Ramen in, since there's no cup. No biggie; everybody's got that little Tupperware bowl (make sure it's microwaveable!)

When you buy either the bags or the cups, be sure to BUY IN BULK. You get more bang from your change; I recently purchased a month's worth of Ramen for like five bucks. Can't beat that.

Now, my first warning was against microwaving styrofoam; I got an unsubstantiated hunch it's no good for ya. But pay special attention to my second warning: RAMEN WILL KILL YOU. That is, it will if you don't make it right. Peep this:

I'm holding a pack of Ramen right now. Won't specify the company, because this applies for all of them. I'm reading the nutrition facts: 890mg of salt in one pack. 37% of the salt you need in a day, you can get from one pack of Ramen. As I recall, the last cup of Ramen that I ate had somewhere in the range of 1080-1800mg (if you can't tell, my memory is numerically dyslexic) of salt. Considering that you're gonna eat more than one pack of Ramen a day, surely you see this is a way to get your blood pressure up REAL fast. But, Amen-Ramen brings hope...

The trick is, it's all in how you FIX the Ramen. This is how you should make a cup: boil the water, put the water in the cup, preferably MORE than the instructions suggest. Why? Because, after letting it sit for a few minutes, you want to DRAIN THE WATER OUT. This is gonna help remove some of the salt. Mind you, I said some, but every little bit counts toward your health.

When making Ramen from the bag, there will be a flavor packet included in the mix. That packet is SALT DYNAMITE. So this is what you want to do: put the Ramen in the cooking vessel and put enough water in to make the Ramen float at LEAST. Cook it for 3:00 in the microwave. Now, here's where you really gotta pay attention... Drain HALF of the water out; leave enough for the Ramen to kinda stew in. Now take your packet and put ONLY PART of it in the Ramen. Why? Because the sh'tuff is so powerful, you don't NEED the whole packet! That eliminates a good bit part of your salt excess right there.

Now, toss the rest of the packet out. Stir the noodles around with the flavoring and the water and let it sit for 3-4 minutes; this gives the flavor time to sink in. Then, POUR OUT AS MUCH OF THE WATER AS YOU CAN. Boom, you have just enough flavor, with much less salt.

Lastly, this is the most important technique for a Ramen bon appetite: take time to say grace. Thank the Lord for the food you're about to receive; ask that it bring nourishment to your body, always remembering those who have nothing to eat.

In Jesus' Name, Amen B-J