KO'd

Man shucks, I'm REEL tired right now. But I can't complain, I'm in good health to say much more than a little bit...

There was... something... I wanted... to write... about... earlier... today...

(thinking...)

MAN, I'm so tired...

...Ya know, it really doesn't make sense to be this tired. Really doesn't make sense for school to be mandatory. Really doesn't make sense to hafta drive hundreds of miles... and pay for it.

(still thinking...)

Yo, I've spent soooooo much of my life thinking yo. It's not even funny. I feel like I've done soooooo much, but it's all thoughts. I feel like I've been around the world, had a wife or two, fought in a war or three, wrote a few books, was a father, a politician, a revolutionary... and it's all in my head. Ya'll remember this entry when I go crazy in a few years and start talkin' bout stuff that never happened.

You know what though, it's crazy, because it's LEGIT man! Like, I haven't had a girlfriend since the sixth grade, but I give cats advice on love like I'm an expert, and it WORKS!! I live so vicariously that... I can give advice about things I've NEVER DONE?!

And... I don't even know if that's a good thing or not! It seems... wrong... somehow. But if it's helping somebody, then is it really?

(...still tryna remember)

Dude, I'm tellin ya, I'm bout to fall asleep right here in this here computer lab... Got an hour-and-a-half before class. Just like I had 74 miles to Augusta last night, just when I thought I was close to home.

You've never seen 74 miles evaporate that quickly, trust me. If I told you how fast I was going, I'd be in trouble right now. Sumn like that...

(...frustrated)

Kids, stay away from coffee; it's not the buzz you get, it's the come-down afterwards...

They aren't sellin mangoes at Walgreen's anymore. Whoever's idea it was to take them off the shelf has earned 100% firing. Pink slip. Termination. Peace...

And... and why do people talk about each other so much? And more importantly, why do people assume that I wanna hear it? And why do I hafta be so polite when excusing myself from such situations when I really wanna say... something less-than-courteous?

...hhhHokey-doke; it's just not coming to me. Maybe next time ladies and gents.

(...still thinking)

*head drops*

Zzzzz....

Arrogant Maturity

Yo... I'mmmm sleepy as carbon monoxide and soft music in an airtight garage kid. But it's cool, I'm not wastin the gas to leave campus early tonight.

Arrighty, the funny thing about this writing gig is, the more I write, the more I find out about myself, good and bad. This is a bad. Not terrible, but it's gonna sound arrogant when I say it. Because... it kinda is arrogant.

I'm not gonna take ya'll back AGAIN and tell you how I used to get picked on and all. Fast forward: after while, I realized that I was simply a mature young man and there were a lot of immature people around me who thought they could use me for entertainment.

No biggie.

And you already know that I kinda got withdrawn as a result of that. I mean really, nobody likes to be shot to pieces constantly, it's just not fun.

But here's what I just realized the other day: times done changed. See, I got soooo withdrawn, that even today it still feels like I'm dealing with the same kids. And, even though there's still plenty of immature kidz on a college campus, it's not everybody.

See, I avoided a lot of people just because of past experiences; it was like I still had that "maturity displacement". But the truth is, I'm not so overly-mature anymore; a lot of these cats actually grew up. And that's cool.

A lot of reason I wouldn't do things like talk to girls much is because I remember the immature girls who didn't have the class to conduct themselves in a womanly manner about it, ya dig? But I found out today, there's actual women on the campus who are nothing like those girls I dealt with in the past. Big shout to the young lady who let a brotha down easy today; I took a risk, and you made it worthwhile. Just in being polite about the situation, you have no idea how much that meant to me.

SO... even though there's still plenty of small-minded people in my circle, I also realize it's not everybody, and it may not even be the majority. And that's cool. I'm no longer the one face in the crowd with some sense, and it's time for me to stop expecting the worst from everybody.

And That's One to Grow On B-J

Heaven Only Knows

If we wanted to, we could live our entire lives on pins and needles. There's always a reason. The mere fact that we don't know the future is enough to keep us wary until the future gets here. You never know when to be conservative in anticipation of a better opportunity, or when to go for broke because there's nothing to look forward to.

There are many horrible truths that lie beneath even our happiest moments here. The fact that all of us must die someday for instance... Heck, I try sometimes to convince myself death isn't so bad; I'm saved, so when I die, I go to Heaven and all that. That still doesn't deal with the fact that when I'm gone, somebody will still be here with an empty spot in their life; nobody, not even the most holy Christian, escapes the pain of losing a loved one. And if a person close to me should die before me, then I'll be the one with the empty spot for the rest of my life. And I've found that Death's scythe is cold; anybody can get it in any way at any time with no exception. It's a no-win situation.

...But I do realize: "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord."

I don't want and never wanted any trouble, but they tell me this life is full of suffering and that's just the way it is. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was play, have fun, smile, make other people smile. What's so wrong with that? Why did things hafta go so terribly wrong? I wasn't there in the garden of Eden, yet, I'm the result of and receive the burden of something that had nothing to do with me. When a student asks me, "Why didn't God kill Satan in the beginning and stop all this from happening" and I hafta beat around the bush and dig up a half-baked answer, the thing that makes it so hard is that I'm asking God the same question.

Reality is sad. And I wonder why sadness seems to be the default preference of this universe we live in. Heaven isn't far away, true enough. But why all this hellishness in the meantime? Why, when the circumstances of the Fall were under the watchful eye of an Almighty God who, theoretically, could've stopped it all in literally blink of an eye?

I don't mean to pry into things beyond me; I know it's not my place. He's infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, infallible God, and I'm... finite, scrawny, small-minded, one-spotted, proven-defective me. But I can't help but wonder, ya know? It's disheartening, and hard to "forget about". Especially on a day like today, when I feel so sluggish and full of regret. And when I remember the things in my life that I had little-to-no control over: the wonderful people who aren't here with me anymore, the relationships that went bad, the hassles I go through daily to get somewhere that I don't even really want to be! If the name of the game is learning that life here is bad and life in Heaven is good, then I've got the first part of the equation down pat...

See, and now I sound suicidal. But I'm really not. I'm just... sad. And I'm even sadder because I know I'm not gonna get an answer this time just like I didn't get an answer before or the time before that. And just like last time, I'm only writing this to vent my feelings, because I already know I won't get an answer...

I truly am sorry for every wrong I've ever done; it definitely wasn't worth all this grief and regret and consequence and reflection over how things could've been. If I could've opted to start life with a clean slate, I definitely would've done it. But I was conceived as an inherent sinner in need of salvation with no exception; I never had a shot at a clean slate. And I'm soooo soooo thankful for salvation, but the presense of sin is still with and within me and with and within everyone around me every day. And what hurts is that the reasoning for it is beyond me... Why not stop the first sin from ever being committed? Why opt from the beginning to hafta come to Earth in human form and suffer the punishment of sin to save us? Why can't there just be good without bad? Why can't there be true love without these trials?

I'm asking these things, but they're not for me to know. I already know these questions will persist with me until I'm done on this Earth. I'm sorry if I was wrong to ask them. I still trust Jesus Christ to the fullest, but, as He knows, it's not easy being human. Especially in today's time. Especially in my shoes. I know I don't have it the worst, but I have it enough.

I hope nobody else ever gets punished for any wrong I've ever done B-(

The Sideshow Lady

Anna Nicole Smith, 1967-2007. Porn star, celebrity, talk-show hostess, wife, ex-wife, divorcee, grieving mother, high school dropout. Real name: Vicky Lynn Marshall.

I bet you didn't even know she had a "real name", did you...

You know, it's funny: when I think about it, Anna Nicole Smith was probably to every blonde white girl what Ms. Peachez is to every Black man who plans to get somewhere in life: an insult. And granted, if you have any morals about you, the first thing that comes to mind when you hear Anna Nicole Smith is something like "despicable". But I can't help but feel sorry for her...

Be honest. When Anna Nicole Smith died at 39 years old in a hotel room... you thought it was a publicity stunt, didn't you? It doesn't even feel like she's really dead, does it? Do you feel strange at the thought of grieving for her? Doesn't that... shouldn't that bother you?

Think about it. Can a person truly be so de-humanized that when they die, we feel no human sympathy towards that person? I mean, let's face it: Anna Nicole's life was a circus, a big entertainment fest. And it doesn't really feel like it ended when she died, and that's scary. I know for me, it's the feeling of watching a magician make a woman disappear; you just know she's gonna come back at some point because it's a sideshow act. When a person's life can become a sideshow act, that's really something to think about.

I'm not saying this woman was a saint by any stretch of the imagination. But, regardless of her lifestyle, she was a human being, just like you and me. And when we live in a world where a human being can be reduced to a sideshow act to the point that we stand at her grave with cameras waiting for her triumphant return...

Where I can say, "I feel sorry for Anna Nicole Smith" and get unanimous instant laughter...

Where I can say, "I feel sorry for Vicky Lynn Marshall" and hear a unanimous, "Who is that" in return...

At that point, I think Blue Magic says it best:

"...It'll only cost you 50 cents to see; what life has done to those like you and me/
...There's got to be no sadder show to see; no doubt about it, satisfaction guaranteed/
...It's more exciting than a one-man band; the saddest little show in all the land/

...So, Let the Sideshow Begin" B-(

Where's Your Passion...

I get tired of people using the word love in vain. Love isn't a crush, love isn't an understanding, love isn't attraction, love isn't great sex, love isn't poetry, love isn't a prenuptial agreement, love isn't flattery, love isn't even having a good time...

Love is unforgettable. Love is redefining. Love is an addiction.

Love is, "In this whole world, the one and only person I need is you..."

Love is, "If I ever lose you, I can't help but lose myself; we are one."

Love is, "I'd rather be fighting with you than getting along with anyone else."

Love is the death of me so that you can live.

Love is the honest criticism of the person who knows every hidden thing about you; Love is standing in the gap when you find fault in your significant other.

Love is saving yourself for the right one; Love is the screams at the top of a climax, trying to make the moment last forever.

Love is against all odds.

Love is a lovebird surrendering his life once his lifemate has gone on; he has nothing left to live for. Love is the first face you want to see when you get to Heaven.

Love is eternal. Love is timeless.


Do ya'll realize the word "passion" actually means suffering? I didn't know it either, but now that I do, it makes a lot of sense. It makes sense because right now I'm heartbroken, lovelorn, pierced, defeated, barely-breathing... all because I know what true love is, and it's already passed me by.

Meanwhile, everybody else is in and out of relationships like cheap outfits; making songs about tippin' bottles; finding "love" in the club, drunk as f#ck. Taking it to the crib to do just that: f#ck.


Bottles and cribs, that's baby talk... I'm talkin bout LOVE: whatchu know about it? B-(

That Dog In Me...

I've been thinking about pitbulls all day; this morning I saw the cutest pitbull pup on a myspace video. He was rolling around underneath his mom, and the more she tried to get him to sit still, the more he rolled. I'm a dog person, lol...

But nah, that's not what I want to talk about. This post is called "That Dog In Me", but it's not about the playfulness or the loyalty or the cuteness (I can be cute too!) in dogs. And it's definitely not about me in relationships; I'm as far from a "dog" in that aspect as one can get, trust me.

There's a special trait in pitbulls that makes them unique, and it's not their ability to roll, brothas and sistas. Pit-bull... pits were once put into arenas with bulls and used to bring the bulls down. This is because pitbulls have some of the strongest jaws in the animal kingdom, designed to bite into something and lock on with no hope of release.

THAT's the dog in me.

My sister got on me one time; 'said if I don't watch out, I was gonna get an ulcer from being so "anti-this" and "anti-that". This post isn't me taking a shot at her at all, but if she participated in things from my side, she'd see them totally differently. Here's the thing: when a person chooses to take a stand, the ultimate weapon against him is... hypocrisy. In other words, some people in this world couldn't get mad at how things are even if they wanted to, because they've participated so much in making the world what it is that it would be a total contradiction; like turning on the air conditioner, then complaining about the cold; like smoking 6 packs a day, then complaining about the cancer; like voting Republican, then complaining about corporate America; like having unprotected sex, then complaining about the baby; like taking advantage of poor inner city minorities, then complaining about hip hop.

But me, I'm a dog; I'm a real pitbull. When I take a stance against something, I'm not gonna turn right around and cooperate with it; I lock my jaws, and it's gonna take something extreme to pry me off it. Here's my main chew toy: I'm a stickler about music. I don't get suckered by good beats; I know a good beat and a sorry lyricist when I hear them. I know a sorry beat and a good lyricist when I hear them. If I say something's commercial, weak, negative, hot garbage, I'm not gonna buy it. Period.

Now, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be; if the beat is good enough, every now and then I'll break down and download the track, Polow... most of the time just the instrumental, but if I can't find it, the whole track. But I haven't actually bought an album since... Speakerboxxx/The Love Below. And you don't wanna know how long it was before that... The reason why is because my $13.99 is $13.99 that: a) I would rather use to kill myself with fast food/ramen; b) will be used to support a bullsh!t movement but supporting a bullsh!t artist who makes bullsh!t music.

And no, record sales don't move me in the least, Nelly; cuz I know a lot of bullsh!t people that like bullsh!t. Hell, the majority of this country [allegedly] voted for Bush; so the majority of people got little to no sense in the first place, and the rest get suckered easily. Majority don't mean NUTHEENG to me.

You see that pitbull coming out? Once I decide to think a certain way, everything in my life has to fall in line with that. Because if a person can prove me to be a total hypocrite, it can suck the power outta my stance, feel me? The bite I put on things isn't necessarily in hatred or disdain; it's so that whatever I'm sinking my teeth into can't turn around and bite me back.

But here's the problem. Like a pit, I can get so into the bite that I don't know when it's time to let go. When you're like me, you forget that people can change and improve. You expect the worst from people, and when you see good, you often assume that it's just a front they're using to get you to loosen your grip. "Runaway Love" for instance... nice concept track; not buying it, Luda.

And usually, I'm right. Which doesn't help...

But every now and then people change, and it's a sincere change for the better. You gotta give 'em room. And even now, I sometimes hafta step outside of myself and say, "Let 'em go boy; it's alright, it's alright. Let 'em go." Nevertheless, the dog in me keeps an eye on the target. I don't expect it'll be long before I'm right back on the neck of whoever I eased up on. The mere fact that I'm ashamed to say who I'm easing up on is proof enough.


Now THAT'S Lockjaw B-J