The Christmas Series: The Battle of Christmas

Prologue

Okay, so the Christmas Series didn't actually turn out the way I wanted. I STILL gotta tell ya'll about this one! This had to be the best Christmas EVER! Okay.. maybe not. But it was DEFINITELY one of a kind. You can tell Charlie Brown we won this Christmas!

Chapter I

It all started on Christmas Eve. I got an invite from my old church in Trenton, SC to come see their Christmas Eve production. Mainly, I was going to avoid any grievances with my dad, but it wasn't like I was totally opposed to going either; that's half of my family and some of my old friends. So baby sis and I jumped in the car on Christmas Eve and took a little trip down to the country.

I'm not gonna lie, I was running late; we didn't actually arrive until about... um... more than halfway thru the production ;-P. When we showed up, I met two of my cousins, one dressed as an angel, in the foyer. After greeting them, we slipped into the backmost rows of the pew...

WAIT A MINUTE! ALMOST FORGOT!

When we FIRSt got to the church, you'll never guess what was happening! We stepped out of the car greeted by--- no, you didn't guess it--- FIREWORKS! Not from the church, mind you, but the house next door. They had the good stuff too, not the little pappers...

Okay, but back to inside the church. The production (what we saw of it) was wonderful. But I had to say, my favorite part was the singing at the end. Why? Because I remember the choir. Oh my goodness... from the time I was a tot, I remember those same adults year after year after year singing in the choir. And now that I'm old, it feels so good to see the SAME faces, all in relatively good health with only a few traces of gray showing up, lol. That really did my heart some good.

Even though my sister and I thought we were slick, before the benediction one of the familiars of the church spotted us out and announced to the rest of the church family that we were here. It was cool though; we were sticking around to see everyone anyway. We must've shaken hands with and hugged EVERYBODY that night. And I had a strange revelation as it was happening: I realized that my entire life as a child, I was surrounded by some of the most beautiful people I've ever known. I know, it sounds funny right? But I've always had a thing for beauty, and it really meant something to know that that was where it all started.

Meanwhile, I talked to the woman who orchestrated the production, and she reminded me, "Your mother used to be a big part of the Christmas production every year." Yes she did! I still can't believe I had almost forgotten that. We had changed churches years before she passed, but mom did a LOT with the Christmas production and education ministry there. And speaking of education, I ran into one of my mom's co-workers who had relocated--- or should I say re-relocated... it's complicated--- to that area. He was my 12th grade chemistry teacher as well, so you know he and I talked for a LONG time afterwards.

My sister and I left the church on a high, amidst the bright, ongoing fireworks next door. Somehow, this year fireworks seemed to fit the mood. We stopped by our dad's house to give him a gift, as well as get our gifts, chatted with him for a minute, and then made tracks back to South Augusta.

Chapter II

My homeboy from outta town happend to be right around the corner when we returned. You know it was on then... We all were hungry, so we hit the Waffle House; all the usual joints were closed. We sat and talked and laughed it up, me, my friend, and my sis. But the real laughing didn't start until we left. Driving up the street, my friend shouted, "DAWG! TURN AROUND! I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!" I was already out of breath laughing by the time I got back to what he wanted to see: it was a sign to a hair parlor. On the sign there was a face; in the rain it was too hard to distinguish, but in his words, it was either a dog or some racist sambo-face. It wasn't funny (and actually, we still don't know exactly what we saw) but his sheer intensity about it made it hilarious.

After that, I figured, why not keep the laughs up. We watched Popeye the movie and the Chris Rock: Never Scared special on DVD. That was followed by a bit of Ocean's 12, and then he rolled out for the night.

When things finally settled down, I couldn't sleep; I stayed up right into Christmas morning. I was right here at my computer. I can't remember what time it was, but I happened to go to my email, and that's when I got the news, 7 minutes after it happened: "James Brown passes away at 73". I'll never forget it. I remember feeling strange right then, like something was in the air; I think something kinda rattled loose at that moment, and I knew this wouldn't be a typical Christmas. I pushed myself into going to sleep; in a few hours, the REAL Christmas would begin.


Chapter III

Mkay... this was the plan. We were supposed to return to Trenton (aunt's house), eat, return to South Augusta (other aunt's house), eat, go to Columbia County (cousin's house), eat, then return home to South Augusta. But things got complicated.

Now, before we go any further, I'm gonna backtrack. A few days before Christmas, we bought cards; we don't have a lot of money to spend, but my sister and I wanted to make sure everyone heard from us this year. Also, we were frustrated with how divided our family has been over the years. We got the cards out a few days ahead of time and thought nothing more of them.

Until Christmas Day... my cousin in Orangeburg called us to thank us for the card. He thought that we would be coming to see him this year, but truthfully, I had never even been to Orangeburg before. Plus, it was about 1-something when he called, and that was gonna be an hour's-plus drive going and coming; everybody was expecting us and at the moment I couldn't see us making the drive and making the appointments too. After I hung up the phone though...

I cocked my head to the side and looked at my sister. "Wanna go?" I didn't know if we could really make it or not to be honest. But then, I stopped caring; I wanted da see EVERYBODY on Christmas, even if they weren't together. So that was how it was gonna be. NEW PLAN: South Augusta to Trenton to Orangeburg to South Augusta to Columbia County and BACK to South Augusta!!!

I grabbed a map off the Internet and we shot off to Trenton. The plan was to stay for an hour and get back on the road; we didn't stick to it. We messed around and started slammin' dominoes. One of my baby cousins got quite fond of my little sis, so you know I had to revel in that for a minute, too.

But, just as quickly as we had arrived, we hurricaned off onto the interstate, Orangeburg bound.

Chapter IV

I promise, this had to be the scariest trip ever. It wasn't the fact that I was speeding a little bit; it was Christmas, and I DARED A N!GGA to pull me over! HO HO HO!

Nah, but it was a cool ride at first. But, as this was our first time going, we ended up taking this bogus backroad. Backroads suck. First of all, we got to this two-way split... which, according to the map, wasn't supposed to be there. Either we were gonna go straight to Orangeburg, or straight to the gates of... whatever else was the other way. No problem... I went to the gas station and asked the first brotha I ran into (the rest were Mexicans, and I'm no good with speaking Spanish) which way. Just so happens dude was a trucker, and he set me right instantly.

Don't you hate when you're making good time, and they change the speed limit on ya? Well, it happened to us, bruther. We ended up plugging through a rural community in the rain and the fog. How rural was it? There was a Christmas tree in the middle of a pasture; no house in site. There were signs for "tractor crossing" and "horseback rider crossing". And I thought I almost seen some white hoods in that piece. How foggy was it? We passed over this sorry excuse for a bridge (it was so low you could step out the car and dip your toe in the water); you couldn't tell where the water stopped and the fog started. It was a total whiteout.

All I could think to myself was "big trouble", cuz this didn't look anything like what I had imagined my cousin was living in. Turns out I was right; eventually, civilization showed up like the cavalry, and we discovered our cousin in a countryhouse AWAY from Dagobah (<---Star Wars joke).

It was SO good seeing my cousin and his wife and their people. Not to mention, he has this dope Boxer dog named... I never did get the name right. Something like "Oscar" with an R in front; Rasta maybe. Anyway, the food was great, the game sucked cuz Dallas lost. But the best part was just the look on his face; I know he was genuinely glad to see us. And when it was time to leave, he showed us an alternate route to avert Dagobah; matter of fact, he actually drove out with us so we could follow him to the interstate. And before we peeled off, we made sure to get his number and a hug thru the window. It was already dark when we set off back to South Augusta, but it was well worth it.

Chapter V

We got back safely; I'm not gonna say how long it took because... it took a lot less time than when we went up. We'll leave it at that. the next stop was my mother's best friend's house (we call her our aunt) in South Augusta, not far from where we live. That's a lot of twists and turns when you're coming from such a long distance, but it was a treat once we arrived because she ALWAYS has some stuff we've never tried, lol (she's from the islands, so the cuisine always comes with some surprise dishes, and especially DRINKS... You guessed it; she makes GINGER BEER! B-J). I apologized for being so late, but she understood, and we talked for a while and ate and drank. Pretty soon, we were off again, headed to my other cousin's house in South Augusta.

We got there... um... about 10:45 PMish. But in one hour and fifteen minutes, there was still enough Christmas juice left for one more miracle. We greeted everyone and sat down on the floor in the den for some TV (and so my legs could rest a lil). And the darnedest thing happened. You see, my cousin has a daughter, and she's TERRIFIED of me, lol. Well, it's not me; it's my hair. But the last time I came over, they had her hair blown out like mine and showed her it was nothing to be afraid of. So guess what? All of a sudden, she wasn't afraid of me anymore! She started talking to me, and showing me her gifts, and trying to tickle me (which I don't play, cuz I really am quite ticklish a lil bit, lol).

My cousin and his wife and I talked for a while after most of the family had left, about James Brown's passing, and Spike Lee's documentary When the Levees Broke, and the documentary Stealing Democracy. I think my sister and I were the last ones to leave that night. What time did we get home? Get this: midnight on the DOT. What kinda Christmas is that, right?

Epilogue

So, we saw EVERYBODY. We did EVERYTHING. We went EVERYWHERE. We ate EVERYTHING. But you know what's really funny? I keep going by houses and feeling like Christmas is still coming. And then my sister said the funniest thing to me yesterday: "It doesn't even feel like Christmas has come yet". ...What can I say, she's right.

Screw it. 2007 is one day away; I am NOT spending the next 24 hours looking for Christmas. If you ask me, we REDEFINED Christmas this year. It'll never be the same again! We shut Christmas DOWN! We straight REGULATED on Christmas! Family divided? Oh, we saw EVERYBODY SON! Presents? We didn't even make CHRISTMAS LISTS SON! White Christmas? Yeah, WHITE FOG 'N' RAIN SON! Christmas Carols? Oh, we were bumpin ATL BASS MUSIC and JAMES BROWN, blowing the doors off up and down the INTERSTATE SON! And if you don't watch out, we'll f#ck around and do it again NEXT YEAR! SHOUT!!!

And It DON'T Stop! B-J

Soft Sunrise

Well... I said I would be deep in the covers right now. But you wouldn't believe it; no sooner than I typed the last word did I hear droplets outside my window. God decided to make it a cloudy morning; the sun isn't coming just yet. It's just good right now, so I figure I'll keep writing.

Rainy mornings remind me of my grandfather and his gray car. When we were little and it would rain before the bus came to take us to school, Grandpa would warm up the car and give my sister and I a ride. lol, He had to be the slowest driver in the world. But I didn't mind at all. It was a comfortable, dry, safe ride. If only it wasn't always to school, lol.

...Kinda feels like my life in a nutshell, come to think of it.

Simply Red's "Holding Back the Years" holds so much significance right now. I remember back living in the country, when it used to rain in the Spring or Summer (I like capitalizing seasons; sue me). Since it was fairly warm during those times of year, we used to open the window and let the rainy air fill the house. I'll tell you, there is NOTHING that compares to country air when it rains. It's one of those things that could probably heal the sick, I kid you not. There's life in that air, just like there's life in soul music.

Nostalgia is a funny thing. I've realized that at any point in life, you can have a positive or negative outlook. And it's not so much what's going on that makes the difference, but how you choose to see it. That same country air that was so welcoming was also a place of great solitude and loneliness for me. Depending on how I feel, I see it one way or I see it another.

And I was thinking yesterday evening; I don't always want to be happy to be honest. I mean, I can put on a sunny disposition at will. But if I put on a happy face all the time when I'm really hurting inside, then who's gonna take the time to give me that hug I need, ya know? By the same token, my world's not exactly falling apart either; it's a bit exaggerated for me to be moping around or anything.

It's ironic, but it just so happens I love cloudy days. Not stormy clouds, mind you, but the type of clouds that make for a soft sunrise. I guess that's like my personality; close to sorrow, but never too far from happiness. Where the sun could break through at any minute and turn a somber start into the brightest day... or not, lol.

Hm... I don't know what the forecast is for the rest of the day. But I like how this all went down; rain or shine, I think I'm gonna leave the house and find something to occupy my time.

Hopefully Rain B-J

Steal Away

It's the sweetest moment of darkness; the time is 6:00 am en punto. It's sweet because it's only a matter of time before that crack of sunlight pierces the calm and ruins my night. I thought I'd steal what I could from it.

I spent all night listening to lovesongs; only got about 3-4 hours of any real sleep, but I felt like I had so many dreams. Strange names popped into my mind that I had pretty much forgotten. Even stranger, I had a flashback to preschool, lol. Yeah... I remember being a tot and hearing some of these songs, not having the foggiest idea what they were about. Michael Jackson's "Human Nature", R Kelly's "Your Body's Calling", Aaliyah's "At Your Best" are just three of the songs I remember hearing-but-not-hearing as I grew.

I often think about what life was like before love. Remember that? Well... maybe the ladies don't so much, cuz ya'll matured so fast compared to us. But I remember vividly those days when nothing in the world mattered but fun and friendship. I'll never understand why that had to stop; why we gotta play house now, lol.

I'm beating around the bush here. Am I heartbroken? Yeah, in a way of sorts. But not over some girl somewhere; I got a lifetime to beat my brains in over that. I guess, it's more about all that I am versus all that I wanted to become. And the irony that, had I settled for being like everyone else, I wouldn't be so frustrated right now.

I spend most of my waking hours praying for a time machine, trying to negotiate with an unchanging God. All the while, knowing the futility of it all. But, I'm thankful. Thankful that I have all of my needs met with interest; that's all you can really ask for and expect when it boils down.

At midnight tonight, I actually went out and tried to rollerskate down my driveway, lol. 'Found out how tall I've really become. It's been a long time; 23 years. I still feel like that little nearsighted boy, putting his coat in the cubby at the preschool about this time of morning. 13 years of grade school and 5 years of college. How did I do it...

Speaking of stealing away, there's only a little time left before 2007 arrives. What do I hope in the new year? It sounds funny, maybe a little cold to say it... It's easy for me to love someone. But right now, I need to learn how to forget someone. Actually, several someones. And they're not people who have wronged me, that's the whole problem; if I were to see some of these people, there would be a mutual love between us. But that can't happen. So, I need to lose my way to their memory. Or continue, as in 2006, waking every morning missing them.

I don't like resolutions though.

Tell the sun to hold on a minute, Lord; I'm almost done. Hey, in about 5 days I'm gonna be registered and back in school. One day, it'll all be over. And I'll be an old man telling my kids about living what they believe and such, and how I dragged my heels and went down fighting when I didn't agree with things. Didn't have much help. Didn't need it. It's funny though; when you fight for so long, you find yourself forgetting what you were fighting for on numerous occasions.

I can feel the sun coming on, though it's still dark. I think I want it to find me nestled under the comforter. Kinda reminds me of surprise parties when you fake like you didn't see it coming, lol. But I'm just not 100% down for seeing the sunrise right now, so I'm gonna close my eyes.

Good Morning/Good Night B-J

Battlecataclysmic: COMBUSTION

Well, ya boy Jigabod got a little frustrated recently... so my alter ego came off the bench to keep it alive for me. In case you've never met him, lemme explain sumn bout Battlecataclysmic; see, if Jigabod is the knife's edge, then B-Cat is that strychnine lacing it. That's Battlecataclysmic: The Stanktown Brave; reigning champ amongst the most elite writers and spitters you never heard of, cuz you like your rhymes watered down like you do.

Every now and then, I let him jump on Romancexpress and do what he does best: fight. B-Cat, if you will...

From a Black man to a Nigga: I wish you would...

There's not a day that awake that I don't wish I could slap the tar/
Off the face of a disgrace to the Black race right in his car!/
For misrepresenting... man, I wish they had a window tinting/
That works for faces; take my color outta you and leave no hint in!/
So they don't get US confused; I would leave ya body and ego bruised!/
Attack ya crews wit cruise missiles, prove I'm de(a)f to all the 'Boos!/
I'm starting to lose... composure, burned out before getting exposure/
But I keep my fist raised high over the culture because I'm so sure!/
And I fall victim to NO lure; I'm not in the mainstream like you!/
Still standing for something like algebra, where the variable is IQ!/
And the day you decide to try to, I would FIGHT you with more than words/
Cuz this here is poetry... your nursery rhymes are no more than turds!/

'Meant what I said; said what I meant.
-B.Cataclysmic

Co-Sign B-J

Savage Beauty, I Steel

A li'l poem I wrote (took me three days; kept fallin' asleep). Trying to capture what it feels like inside when I get stuck on someone's beauty. Not sure if I like it yet; I'll be able to tell ya in a few days or so.

Enjoy B-J

It starts with a glance, like a misfire grazing my cheek
I stop, like watches, caught in a moment of ambush
The cold cuts of a cool smile--- they hurt worse after
Beauty, a bayonet slipped between my ribs, pierces my heart
For the love of...

Coy cruelty, as the blade rips she empties barrel and clip
I reach, she withdraws, my slitted chest gaping, innermosts spraying
Mind crushed by the butts and blows of her reversed weaponry
Our eyes connect; she obliterates me with telepathy
I am flaw standing before perfection

But why? How have I warranted this onslaught?
How could my eyes have trespassed? She isn't made of glass
Still, I've invoked beauty's wrath... as she laughs...
And I realize, as she talons at my insides
She's really after my pride

She's worked me, searched, extracted iron ores of uncertainty
Molten steel left in the wake; she found out there was more to me
By this time, red-hot and formless, my inclination to leak away
But not yet, I can't allow her that satisfaction. Why?
...Because beauty fades, and so I stay

Return to cool solidity, as beauty loses its hold
And she wonders how she ever lost control; it's easy
She's young, fresh, beautiful... but love is old
I was often told, "All that glitters isn't gold"
Not to mention, I Steel prefer silver

The Christmas Series: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Shroder: "I think you have a customer."

(Lucy rushes to makeshift doctor's office where Charlie Brown awaits)

Lucy: "May I help you?"

Charlie Brown: "I am in sad shape."

Lucy: "Wait a minute. Before we begin, I must ask that you pay in advance. Five cents please..."

(Charlie Brown drops a nickel in neighboring can)

Lucy: "BOY, what a sound! How I love that old money clink, that beautiful sound of cold, hard cash! That beautiful, beautiful sound! Nickels, nickels, nickels! That beautiful sound of clinking nickels."


lol, I can't help it. Doesn't this sound like our medical community? It could be the heart of the Christmas season; the field of medicine--- improving and extending the lives of people and curing diseases--- boils down to just another business. And I can't say it enough: it's not profitable for hospitals to cure the sick. But hey, let's not go there today...


Lucy: "Alright then, what seems to be the trouble?"

Charlie Brown: "I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I'm not..."


We'll hold 'er right there. It's Christmas. And for the first time in a while, I feel a little Christmassy. But it's funny because, simultaneously, I feel a bit... Charlie Brownish.

Anybody that knows me knows that I call this man my White half-brother. No matter what my life may seem to the outside observer, inside, I usually feel like Charlie Brown. 'Tis a bad habit I picked up as a youngin'. I don't know if cats cheat when we draw straws, but I always seem to come up short. But like Chuck, through hardship and patience, things usually pan out.

Well, this time I'm not exactly sure how patience and hardship are going to do me any good. I got a simple request: I want to have a Christmas like the ones I had when I was little. Fair enough?

But here's the thing; it's not possible. Why? I dunno... My Mom's gone. My Grandma's gone. My Grandpa's gone. And, again, my Mom's gone. What's left in the wake? A family that I fear can't be in the same room together without underlying tensions. And don't try to play me, I'm not a kid anymore; I know about things that go unsaid, plus I always knew about them anyway.

I'm angry because--- and to this day I still can't believe this--- most of the nonsense is about things pertaining to money. When I was little, I thought we were all bigger than that. Now, I feel like I'm losing respect for people. My Mom wouldn't be happy with the way things have transpired. And neither would Grandma and Grandpa. Or my cousins Mike and Katrina.

It's the Monday before Christmas. Usually, by this time, the whole family would know what the plan is for Christmas Day. This year, there is no "whole family". Everybody's doing their own thing, and I got the foggiest idea what's goin' on. And the funny thing is, I almost don't want to know what's going on. Not if it's something that's gonna kill my spirit.

Ya know, I prolly won't do this cuz I know my peeps got families, but I've been tossing the idea of grabbing a bunch of my peeps from school and other spots and whooping it up at my house. But, I don't imagine it would be anything like being with the family. And like I said, they got families too; they should enjoy them while they're still together.

I can't remember how I got through last Christmas when I think back. I nearly lost my cool just sitting in church today, thinking 'bout the fact my mom didn't see the kids on program. Last year, I woke up on Christmas morning and I was okay; this year I feel a little worse already, and Christmas is just a week away.

Perhaps I'm exaggerating a bit. The realness is, my family is still fairly intact; even if there is some tension, the love is still there. But growing up and feeling that genuine, unabated love that we used to have for each other and trying to digest the unspoken grumbles that the family has been reduced to...

We used to go to my Grandma and Grandpa's house and just to be together. Now people are bickering about who gets what portion of the doggone house. Then there's our house--- me and my sister's, that is--- but I guess that would be too awkward to have Christmas at "the babies'" house. And to have it at our house without the smell of my Mom's macaroni and cheese and barbequed franks...

It's amazing how all this is really sinking in now instead of last year right after it all happened.

Any way you slice this hurts for me. No matter who's house I go to, no matter gifts or no gifts, tree or no tree, family or no family. I shoulda gone to Mexico with my church or sumn (yeah, they went to Mexico for Christmas. wild huh?)

But take a step back... it's just one day. Amazing isn't it? I'm here sweating what's gonna happen for 24 hours, several hours of which I'm gonna be asleep anyway. The one thing I can depend on in all this... the Charlie Brown Christmas Special will still rock. Which means, I know at least one person will know what it is to be down in the dumps on Christmas Day. I mean, I have a hard enough time not crying in church just listening to the choir sing; now I get to enjoy myself on Christmas Eve, then come right back to the church in the morning and enjoy myself again.

And no, don't hand me that, "You need involvement; you need to be a part of some real Christmas project!"


I said me and Charlie Brown are half-brothers, not twins... B-(

The Christmas Series: The Biggest Question...

(I love blogs like this...)

The biggest question of the holiday season:
Why in da world is Christmas the last holiday of the last month of the year?

Answer:
Becuz the last thing people ever wanna do is worship Christ.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! B-J

The Christmas Series: So This is Christmas (to Me)

OKay, okay... So every year this wonderful season comes around, and with it joy and love and laughter and great fun and spirituality. And then the season goes away, and with it joy and love and laughter and great fun and spirituality...

Hollup... I'm scratching my head...

Arright. So every year, we get to this season, and inevitably the subject comes up of the "true meaning of Christmas". Well, lemme start by saying the obvious: Christ (Jesus Christ) + Mas (worship) = Christmas (worship Christ). This is the true meaning of Christmas, hands down.

But this is what gets me... When you worship something, you become more and more like it. So for a person who worships Christ, like myself, you strive to do things more and more like him every day. Now, I want you to take a look around during this holiday season. What are people doing? They're giving. They're loving. They're laughing. They're visiting the sick. They're feeding the needy. They're singing. They're praising. They're full of joy.

Wonderful. So what exactly did you think Christ would be doing this time of year? I ask because oftentimes I hear fellow Christians make a big deal about the "proper" way to celebrate Christmas. And don't get me wrong, I understand, and even agree with most of what they conclude. But...sometimes I wonder if we're splitting hairs.

For instance: I see some Christians shake their heads when someone says, "We give gifts on Christmas because God gave us the gift of His Son and, through him, the gift of salvation"; technically the gift giving came out of a pagan tradition. I see them shake their heads when someone says, "On Christmas, we celebrate the birth of Christ"; technically, it has nothing to do with His birth, and December 25 isn't even His birthday. That's the "proper" way of looking at it.

Okay, now take a step back. So, these definitions may not be 100% accurate or biblical. But here's some Bible for you: there is no biblical order to even celebrate Christmas Day in the first place. None. Christmas Day was created during the rule of Constantine to be a Christianized "patch-over" for the pagan Feast of Saturnalia; basically a compromise. So this is my thing... it boils down minor details. You've got millions of people who find reasons, in the name of Christ, to do the things that Christ would do this time of year. What more could you ask for? In my humble opinion, it's a bit excessive to split hairs over the technicalities; especially when the holy holiday isn't even ordained.

I'm not trying to be troublesome, but I'll tell you why all this bothers me: so often, we get so caught up in the appearances and symbolisms of righteousness and holiness that I think we jettison the actuality of them. I flinch when I hear people give their slightly-off-base reasons for being in the holiday spirit, but sometimes after I flinch I can't even remember what I was flinching for. Because, while they may be misguided, at the same time I'm seeing these people doing what Christ would have us to do right before my eyes. The actuality is there even if the "proper" symbolism isn't.

Lemme throw this atcha too before we go any further. Do you think Christ would be doing this Christmas thing one time a year? Heck no; he'd be doing it every day all year long. And any Christian worth his weight would, and should already be doing the same...

See, this reminds me of something a friend of mine told me last Valentine's Day. He said, and I quote, "F#ck a Valentine's Day. Why would I break my neck looking for a girl just to spend one day with her. That's not real." You never thought about it, I know. But now that you've thought about it, it makes sense, right? I mean, if you can get past the profanity, that's quite a bit of truth to try to swallow in one sitting.

So, Christmas. The "true meaning of Christmas"...

Ya know, this is what kills me about this whole Christmas shabang: if you're a real Christian, you celebrate Christmas EVERY day; you worship Christ EVERY day. So, when Christmas Day comes around, theoretically, nothing is supposed to change for you; not if you celebrate the "true meaning of Christmas".

Well, if nothing changes, then why do you celebrate on December 25th? Why do we make a day and a season to do what we should've been doing every day? So here's where it gets interesting for me... On December 25th, I pretty much do whatever I feel like doing. And it's not to be disrespectful or anything like that, but it's simply this: December 25th happens 365 days a year for me. So, to make it a holiday and a holiday season, I do something different; by something different, I mean I have an "improper" Christmas. Otherwise, it's just another day for me.

People say we shouldn't give gifts because of Saturnalia. Bump that; I didn't know anything about Saturnalia until you told me, and up until that point, I gave gifts because God gave us a precious gift. So I'ma still give gifts. 'Didn't know about the pagan significance of a Christmas tree; I just knew that a star goes on top because, in the Bible, a star lead the wise men to baby Jesus. So I'ma still put up a tree, with angels and crosses and tinsel and bulbs and lights and a bigtime star on it (maybe silver-and-blue). There shouldn't be a nativity scene because Christmas Day is not Jesus' real birthday, plus it was his death, burial, and resurrection that restored us, not his birth. But you know what? I'm glad He was born anyway. The King of Kings was born to a virgin mother in a lowly manger so that he could touch all of us from the poorest of poor to the richest of rich. So I'ma still have a nativity scene.

Forgive me if I'm wrong for any of what I've said, but this is ridiculous to me. I know all of the technicalities of Christmas, but I also know that so much of what we do is so little about the action and so much more about the spirit behind it. I know what the word Christmas represents, but what do YOU represent? What does HE represent? And if you're a Christian, then those two things are really what determine what everything that comes out of you represents. Whatever you do this season, do it in the right Spirit, the Holy Spirit, and when it's all said and done, you'll be able to say "So This is Christmas..."

And this year, how about we don't be fakes, huh? When Christmas is over for the rest of the world, Christians, carry your Christmas on for the next 365 day, arright? Cuz that's what Christ would do.

Merry Christmas B-J

The Christmas Series: Black Christmas???

"Black Christmas"??? Huh?? What?...

Kay, for those of you just tuning in, lemme give you a quick briefing: these fools in Hollywood have actually made a horror movie about Christmas due to release on Christmas Day. These are my thoughts. It won't take long, I promise...

So, Hollywood and Co., you thought it would be cute to put a dark spin on the Christmas holiday season this year; to appeal to an "alternative culture" or sumthin I guess? Well, lemme say this to you AND the "alternative culture": grow up.

I mean seriously, some people are rebellious because they have just cause to be; others are rebellious because, in their mind, it's cool just to go against something. In this case, that would be you. And just so you know, you're just as much a follower as anyone you call yourself looking down on, because you blindly believe in some half-baked cause that you don't even fully understand. Mavericks can be 100% bull too. And, in case you didn't know, rebels without a cause played out years ago.

Why don't you go against something worthwhile like crooked administrations, bogus wars, tax cuts for the wealthy, glorified gangsta lifestyles, hospitals overcharging patients for the right to live, or maybe your own stupidity. I mean really... believe whatever you wanna believe, but don't be a rebel just to be noticed. Are you THAT insecure?

If you don't celebrate Christmas, cool. But to try to dampen the holiday in the name of your weak, diluted and deluded perspective on life? Or to make a quick Christmas box office buck? C'mon... That's hilarious. You must really be desperate for attention to piggyback off the most wonderful time of the year just to get noticed. Shame on you; you get a lump of coal in your stocking...

Naughty-Naughty... B-J

The Christmas Series: Christmas in Love

It's a chilly night outside right now, but people are out and about nonetheless, bit-by-bit shopping for the special people in their lives. Traffic is a little heavier than most times, and so are the coats and the jackets. The Salvation Army is posted outside of the stores, ringing bells to help us remember those in need. Secret Santa is running rampant at places of employment. Kids are counting down the days with great anticipation as relatives are making plans to travel long distances to see loved ones. Huge trees are dazzling from trunk to tip with a full spectrum of dancing color and light.

The radio stations are starting to pull out the old favorites: "Gee Wiz, It's Christmas" by Carla Thomas; "Silent Night" by the Temptations; "This Christmas" by Donnie Hathaway; "What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas" by the Emotions; "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by the Jackson 5; even "Christmas with Boomshequa" by the 69 Boyz, lol. Wanna know what I'm listening to right now? I'm listening to "Kiss of Life" by Sade. And, even though it has nothing to do with the holiday season, it feels no less Christmassy than those other songs. At least, to me it doesn't.

'Know why? Well... It's because I believe Christmas might be the most romantic time of year there is; I dare say even more romantic than Valentine's Day. When Christmas rolls around, we always think about the gifts and the family... hopefully Jesus too. But no one ever thinks about romance, at least not as a foremost thought. But look around, ya'll. Just go out riding once the sun sets during Christmas season. Downtown Augusta is lit up fantasy style; the malls and department stores are bustling with so many couples; the air is cold and just right for snuggling. All the red decoration... it's not a very far cry from the red that appears in February when you think about it. I dunno; I'm single right now, and I walk around and see these things. And it just doesn't feel like the season is meant to be enjoyed alone. But anyway...

Then there's my favorite imagery: snow! Me being from the South, I don't know much about a White Christmas and all; 'seen the most snow in my life over the last 2-3 years. But every year, I really do hope it happens; I hope that snow falls and falls outta nowhere on Christmas Day. And not just on Christmas Day, but throughout the season. Because snow is one of those things that brings it's own magic with it; kinda like that atmospheric mystique that Sade is so known to create with her music and her persona.

It's funny: when we think about love, we tend to think about warm things. But to me, snow is just as romantic. I mean, have you ever wondered what it would be like to kiss in the snow? "Let's rub noses like the eskimoses" lol. (I have no idea where I heard that corny song... but wouldn't it be dope to try it?) And of course there's the snowball fights and other activities that couples can enjoy together. Something about the nipping cold of a snowflake on your face seems to carry a romantic sentiment. At least to me.

The Christmas holiday season is also perfect for romance because it's when you see people start to take life less seriously... actually, lemme rephrase that. It's when you see people start to take life MORE seriously, as in spend more time being human and less time being corporate machines. It's the perfect time for an office romance to spark; and maybe your iced-over grinch supervisor might find enough warmth in his/her heart to look the other way, or even crack a smile at the thought.

And dating during the holiday season must be a wonderful thing, right? Think about all the attractions during the holidays: the Christmas productions available at the theatre, like The Nutcracker; the holiday music playing on the radio and in the stores; and, speaking of stores, shopping together and watching children about to explode with wonder (brothas, you holding the bags while your lady walks you to death, lol); the Christmas movies old and new; the Winter Wonderland displays... When it's all said and done, you're two icicles dying to come out of the cold...

That's when the night really gets special; when you and your love return to a cozy spot, peel off the hefty layers, and become two chestnuts roasting by the fireplace. Maybe you find yourselves sitting on a rug and wrapping presents together; maybe you end up curled on the couch, sipping hot cocoa and watching Christmas specials. And there's always the mistletoe for a quick thaw...

Then comes the big day. All the anticipation leads up to this day, and the arrival is a wonderful feeling to share with someone you love. It's fun buying a present for your love interest weeks ahead of time and not letting them open it until the day of. But when they finally do open it, it's even better than the wait, lol. Christmas is a great time for people in love to spend time with each other's families. And the sounds and smells of houses on Christmas Day (especially if you or you wife/girlfriend can actually cook!)...nothing like it. Definitely good for creating memories.

Christmas in Love... And I promise, all this came to me one evening just a few days ago as I turned onto my street playing the same Sade song. It really put me in the spirit of the season in a way I had never been before. 'Got me to thinking tho... about someone I went Christmas shopping with once. I declare I go to thinking about her every holiday season... but that's for another time, lol.

"What Do the Lonely Do..." (Eat for 2) B-J

The Christmas Series

Whas goin on, it's ya boy Jigabod checking in with an announcement...

I know some of you only got on the Romancexpress after volume one was completed. So when I say I'm doing a "series", you gots no idears what I'm tambout. For those of my readers, lemme tell you about something I like to do...

Every now and again, I like to take a subject and expound on it in a series. The last time I did this, it was a series centered on Valentine's Day and dealing with love and lust. I really enjoyed it (it came out to approximately 14 entries) and I got a lot of positive feedback on it. I gotta say, the V-Day Series is probably some of my best and most relevant writings since the creation of Romancexpress.

Well, today I found myself pondering the holiday season, and I got the urge to do a piece about something pertaining to Christmas. But the more I thought about it, the more dimensions of Christmas I found and wanted to cover. So tomcats and kitties, ur in for a treat; the Christmas Series iz in effect!

I advise you not to go to sleep; I'm not the type to settle for telling you what you already know, lol. 'Same time though, not everyone knows the same things, so you may hear a familiar line or two. Overall, I'm very excited about the series, and I'm gonna try to make you feel that excitement in every entry--- from now until Christmas.

I guess this is my little way of getting into the holiday spirit; look for the first entry... any minute now!

Season's Greetings! B-J

From the Other Side of the Mirror

This is an episode of me not taking my own advice...

As much as I tell people not to be concerned with what people think of them--- and don't get me wrong, I'm not changing myself to please anybody--- I can't help but wonder from time to time what people think of me. I guess... because I really don't know what I think of myself.

The only thing I know for sure is that I love myself, for better or worse. When I look in the mirror, I see the most regular-regular cat on earth. Except... not really. See, I told a friend of mine once that, no matter what I do, I always feel like a boy amongst men. 'Funny thing is, she told me it's the exact opposite and that I was a man amongst boys. Was she being honest? Did she really mean that? Or was she just flirting or sumn? My mom told me once that my eyes are different than most other guys my age; purer or something like that. Well... it's definitely not a lack of exposure, unfortunately. Maybe it's sincerity? Or maybe inexperience?

Anyway... then there's the physical aspect. I'm one da lightest cats on this EARTH, lol. But you know what, that never really bothered me. Only time it bothered me was when my pops used to push me to get bigger, but that's long gone. I'm very strong for my size though, which is cool. But, even taking a weight training class or two and hard labor didn't make me gain any bulk; it just put more definition on this little size I've got, lol. But in college, size and strength isn't quite as important as it is in grade school when you hafta take Phyz Ed. every day.

Nope, in college people actually respect you for your intelligence ('bout time). Seems like that would be good for me, since my mind is prolly my best feature. But, just when I'm about to finally find my niche, I get fed up with school. I see it as a big kiss-a$$ parade that's not really about mental enrichment as much as it is about workforce mobility. Sux tho, because in the aftermath I lost my motivation for academic pursuits. When I thought about how many people graduate college and how many actually do anything meaningful afterwards... knowledge for knowledge's sake wasn't good enough for me.

Of course you can see how turning on everything you've ever known might cause you to feel a lot of things. So now, I find I've become a romantic of sorts. I express myself in whatever medium is available, hoping to find others who feel the way I feel and think the way I think. Why? Because there's power in numbers I guess. If I can get the right number of the right people, maybe I can do more than just express myself; maybe I can put muscle behind my expressions and change the world. But I'm getting off topic...

I'm curious to know how people see me... I guess because it will affirm that I'm communicating effectively. As far as I can tell, right now I embody something that a lot of people fear and don't like to approach. That's cool though; every adult I've ever known was the same way. And come to think of it, that's the greatest fear I've ever had; becoming like those stagnant, passive, apathetic adults I've seen thoughout my life. So, in retrospect, perhaps I feel like a boy because I've spent so much time avoiding "grown folks". But that wasn't my intention; I never wanted to remain a boy, just to become a different kind of man.

There's people that baby me; there's people that avoid me; there's people that kick it with me; there's people that mock and laugh at me; there's people that come to me for advice; there's people that see potential in me; there's people that depend on me; there's people that look up to me; there's people that warm up to me; there's people that don't understand me; there's people that worry about me; there's people that see me as insecure; there's people that see me as a leader, even as an MLK Jr. in the making...

It's like Citizen Kane; I'm sitting here trying to piece together who I am from the perspectives of other people. And you know what's so bad about it? Even now, I know that the only person who can truly identify me is God; nobody else knows enough about me to tell me who I am. That should be good enough for me.

It SHOULD Be... B-J

Looking Forward

I'm listening to "Too Late to Turn Back Now" by the Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose. Maybe it's the song, but I feel so... good right now. I mean, actually I have a headache, and I'm not really excited about anything. 'Wary of pretty much everything around me, 'matter-of-fact. And expecting some unpreferred circumstances in the coming months.

But... I feel good! I'm thankful to God for everything, whether it's exactly what I want or not; it's all to my benefit. I think I'm eager to see what unfolds next for me; like, anything is better than just staying in the same old zone and mode all the time. It's like going on a long trip, when the bus first pulls off. That's the feeling I have right now.

So, I'm on my way to graduating college and becoming a teacher; it's not like either of those is gonna kill me, right? Maybe some of my aspirations, but not me. Heck, it's the "necessary paperwork" and a paycheck; if nothing else, it's something to talk about with people I come across. Social icebreakers, you know the drill... And even if I find either of those things hard to swallow, at least it's something to chew on, dig? Sometimes something distasteful is better than starving on nothing.

And really, the only reason these things are distasteful to me is because, at an early age, I chose to take a stand about things in life. I refused to go through the motions blindly like everyone else, and if nothing else I can say I did that. Nobody can say I didn't, plus, more than likely, nobody cares anyway. Except the person I go to sleep with every night, which is me.

In the meantime, I'm actually having trouble keeping myself occupied. I mean, I'm playing guitar and piano and producing and all that--- and writing poetry and raps--- but it all just feels so... doomed, lol. Like, I'm doing these things, and in the end they may or may not pay off; in so many ways, it's outta my hands. But somehow, I just... really don't care, ya know? What am I gonna do, sit here and cry about it? Tear it all up? God blesses us when we can rejoice in spite of circumstances, so that's kinda where I am right now. Rejoicing in spite of the worst that hasn't happened... yet. And since it hasn't happened, who's to say that it WILL happen? ...Like I said, it's outta my hands.

So, in this weird and kinda sick way, I'm looking forward to things to come. And heck, I can't say any of it is a surprise, so I'm not experiencing any shock or fear. That's a blessing in itself. Funny thing is, as much as I'm looking forward, I'm totally not seeing Christmas or New Year's right now, lol. I mean, I'm usually in church on New Year's Eve anyway, so there's nothing to really anticipate there. But even Christmas doesn't seem... there, lol.

It's December 2nd now; January 4th I'll be registered for the next semester and deadly close to this so-called "next level" of my life. Tell you what tho: I'm gonna start my party now, and circumstances can catch up when they get around to it. 'Cuz it's not about circumstances, and I don't need the right circumstances to have a good time; seems like if I waited for the right circumstances, there would be no party. But heck, I'm probably getting waaaay too ahead of myself. "Sufficient to the day are the evils thereof", so I'm gonna tune this all out and play this song until I'm sick of it.

"It's Too Late, To Turn Back Nooow..." B-J