Jigabod and the Black Esteem

"Are you racially insecure?" If you watch the Chappelle Show or any of his standup acts, this is probably a familiar phrase to you. Usually when it's said, the people in the audience laugh. It's a laughable concept; yet, it's so relevant it's not even funny.

I don't like writing racially exclusive messages because I feel we're all in this together. But this time, I have an important message for my Black people. You see, I took a step back and gave a long look to us the other day. And I reached a conclusion: Black people, we have a self-esteem problem.

Recently, I saw a video for a song called "Fry that Chicken" by a cross-dressing Black man who goes by "Ms. Peachez". In the video, he parodies the familiar "obese, chicken-frying, big-momma-from-the-hood" stereotype; the song has a southern-fried, almost snap style beat to it, which isn't very flattering to the Southeastern region.

To be quite honest, I haven't been that ashamed in quite some time...

The first thing that came to mind was that Dave Chappelle Pixie skit, where minstrels in Black face were singing about how all Black people love chicken. The point was that some of us reconsider doing things we normally do to avoid living up to a stereotype. It was an ingenious, funny, brutally-honest skit. But at the same time it was nothing to laugh at; it made clear to me something very important. As a whole, we as Black people have a distorted self-image and a low self-esteem.

You don't believe me? Take hip hop for instance. If a man is wise, he takes his money and invests it for the long term, right? Well, what do our affluent artists do? They buy stuff. And they don't buy it for themselves; they buy it to get "more haters". The more "haters" you have, the better you're doing apparently; their whole self worth is attached to people outside of themselves. Then rappers start calling each other "god" to try to esteem each other higher than the Highest, and it's all unwarranted prestige; how can you be a "god" and have no control over your own destiny? Why would a "god" carry a weapon? Wouldn't a "god" be able to control his environment? But so often, the opposite happens: we let our environment control us by reacting to it.

If you know anything about low self-esteem, these examples emulate a very realistic reaction that people with low esteem have: they overcompensate for their low self-esteem with exaggerated outward displays. Like young girls going through the motions, right? You've seen when young girls get overly-dressed to draw attention and feel more womanly or important, right? It's the same thing here. And so many of us fall victim to it that it's not even funny; how much is the outfit you're wearing right now? Did you buy it because you really wanted/needed it, or because it would impress the people around you?

But the Black Esteem goes further; something very interesting hit me the other day. I'll take you back to the "Fry That Chicken" video. Most people I talked to, when they saw it, the words that flashed across their minds (and out of their mouths) were: "Look at this Coon/Uncle Tom/Minstrel/Sellout/Nigga". Like I said before, dude even reminded ME of the minstrel pixie from Dave Chappelle's skit remastered for 2006. But, here's where it gets interesting. There's a movie out right now, "Jackass 2". Basically, it's a bunch of White dudes acting a total and complete fool for a full length feature.

You know what's funny about that? You don't hear any White people getting pissed about it or acting ashamed of it, do you? You know why? Because they're not trying to impress anybody or raise consciousness; they're the majority and the established culture of this country so they don't hafta worry about things like that. But as Black people, we're sensitive because we feel we hafta prove ourselves to other races; our image has been so distorted that we're constantly trying to prove we're not some negative stereotype.

But there's a very tricky thing about that: you see, stereotypes don't account for all, but stereotypes DO account for SOME. To pretend that not a single Black person in America fits a negative stereotype is an example of us not being real with ourselves(and I say in America because stereotypes are very different in other parts of the world and we need to catch up). Blacks come in all types just like Whites come in all types; the difference is, Whites have no one to try to impress and we feel like we hafta impress everybody.

Well, Black people, I'm gonna tell you like I tell every other teenager with self-esteem problems: as long as you care so much what other people think, you'll never realize your own full potential. You're gonna constantly become what others, even people that hate you, want you to become. Perfect example: the pixie in Dave Chappelle's skit sang and danced, and on the surface there's nothing wrong with singing and dancing. But when a minstrel sings and dances, it's offensive because it's done in mockery of Blacks, like that's all we know how to do or like EVERY Black person must be able to sing and dance. But Black people, take a step back for a sec... SINCE WHEN IS SINGING AND DANCING DEROGATORY?! If Whites sing and dance, it's called talent; if we do it, it's called cooning???

The key is, Black people, you gotta learn how to do YOU. SO WHAT we're not the majority? SO WHAT people think ill of us? Quit politicking; if we let the opinions of others control us, we're gonna be manipulated for the rest of our existence. We hafta have the strength to totally be ourselves regardless of how people take it. The only time you're in the wrong with your actions is when you do what you do to entertain critics. To be blunt and succint, you're just as much a coon if you minstrel to impress White people as you are if you dress up in a suit to impress White people. Why? Because you're not doing it for you, you're doing it for them.

Black people, we're never gonna get "it" back until we're not afraid to be ourselves regardless of what people think. If you eat fried chicken, if you don't eat fried chicken, it doesn't matter; as long as the decision to do it or not do it has nothing to do with impressing someone else. If you buy watermelons, if you don't buy watermelons, doesn't matter; as long as the decision to buy is yours and contingent on nobody else. If you sing, if you dance, DO IT TO DEATH; If you don't, cool... Just as long as you're doing it because it's what you love to do or not do.

As a writer/MC, I chose the name Jigabod as an expression of self-love; it's only to say that I embrace all that I am, for better or worse. Yeah, it hinges on a racial slur, but if I don't live my life for those people, then what does that mean to me? Not a damn thing. At some point, we gotta get tired of this popularity contest and just be. And I promise you, for those of you who still worry about our image in the eyes of the world, if we allow ourselves to be ourselves then the best in us will eventually rise to the surface, and we're gonna see a side of ourselves that was never allowed to breathe before.


This is not a message of hate; White people, you're just as cool with me as anybody, and the same to any other race. But as much as I love everybody, I don't live to impress anybody. I'm not gonna be racially insecure; I'm gonna be me, oblivious to all outside perceptions. And to every other Black person reading this, that's what you hafta be too; if you claim to be free, then liberate yourself.

Say it Loud... B-J

Contender: The Only True Reality Show

I don't know how many times I can say it, but each time is sweeter than the last... I LOVE FIGHTING. I don't like to see people get hurt, but I LOVE the Art of Fighting, no matter what style: Jeet Kune Do, Aikido, Karate, Muay Thai, Juko Kai, Kung Fu, Ninjitsu, Jujitsu, Capoeira--- and yes--- good old boxing. And at that, I wanna say: The Contender is the only real reality show on television and may be one of the dopest shows PERIOD.

In case you've never heard of it, lemme paint a picture. 16 men trying to take their boxing careers to the next level, some young, some coming out of retirement, some in their prime. Many of these men have families, jobs, moving stories behind them. With all these things at stake, they enter the ring and fight with one another; each fight is a win-or-go-home situation.

Each contender brings his own style to the table and refines his technique to compete with the others. There are friendships made, rivalries sparked, and even enemies gained as the fighters bang out to the top. The styles, size differences, work ethics, attitudes, and personalities make every fight totally unpredictable. That's great television people.

You know what else I love about the show though? The women. And no, I don't mean how beautiful they are or anything like that (because some of these dude's wives are GORGEOUS). But this is what I like: They support their men. It's really something to witness these women and their children gathered behind their warriors in such a high stakes competition. You can't help but admire them if you're a guy, because you want a woman that's down for you just like that. If you're gettin your brains beat out, she's right there behind you, not reprimanding you for risking it all, but pushing you to make sure you give it your all. That's real talk right there.

To top it all off, the final four contenders go from show-hosted bouts to a grand main event held at the Staples Center and broadcast on ESPN as a real sporting event. You can't ask for anything more than that: reality show to reality.

I don't watch a lot of TV aside from cartoons, A Different World, and stand-up comedy; but people, this is good television. Screw every other reality show on TV; you can't fake heartbreak and you can't ruse a bruise... this is the Real Deal.

My Don King Impression... Ya Like? B-J

It's the Fact that You Only Live Once...

...that makes me want to get the most out of it. That's all. But I said I'm here to do the Lord's will and not my own, so I realize everything's not always gonna go my way. If even some of the things in my life go the way I really want, it's not a right but a privilege.

They say there's no hurt that Heaven can't heal, no sorrow that Heaven can't compensate for. Well... I'm banking on that. Whatever I forfeit in this life, may there be a compensation, a sense of closure, somewhere between here and there.

I have yet to really experience what it's like to be on top of things; perhaps it's a feeling not everyone will experience. But perhaps it's a feeling I can do without, eh? I'm 23 years old, living a relatively healthy, relatively happy life. That's a lot more than a lot of people can say. So what if a pleasure escapes me here or there...

Be careful what you hope for, people out there. Hope is a beautiful thing, but only when it's placed in the right place. Hope is an investment, and when the returns are sour, make sure you haven't invested it all, just so you have something left over.

Perhaps my words are a bit premature though; I'm not dead yet after all. And the thing about hope: hope springs eternal. So, as long as I'm here, there's hope I may come away with the win. It's just my know-it-all mind is tempered to try and peek into my immediate future... just to make sure I'm prepared, ya know? And usually, my predictions come to pass. By the way, that's nothing to brag about.

I would say more about what brings about this sad train of thought, but it's not worth it. I got somethin I gotta do; I don't like it, but it can't be left alone to fester. The faster I get it over with, the better. It's a catch-22 situation, but there is a bright side to it: after I've gone through with it, everybody will hafta leave me alone, and that's always a plus.

I don't have any expectations; I just hope. Hope in God's Word and nothing else.

B-(

Ya Never Know...

I used to love to hear my cousin Donnie say that: "Ya never know". Because it's SO true! Lemme tell ya'll a story...

I had a prollem wit this dude right? ...Actually, he had a prollem with me. Why? Well, we'll never know; he never confronted me. But I can tell you right now, it was over a girl... But again, he never confronted me so we'll never know for certain.

On the real though, from the bottom of my heart, it's good he never confronted me. Why? Because too often people take my kindness for weakness. This cat had the nerve to get arrogant with me! But people, if ya gonna be arrogant, you gotta at least be perfect; YOU CAN NOT be a man with a plus-size woman's figure and get arrogant with me. You just can't do it.

BUT hey, the conflict blew over; I never heard from the cat again. Good riddance. So, I thought my readers might enjoy witnessing the size of this bullet that I had aimed at this... well, truthfully I didn't hafta aim. Let's just say, he missed a meal:


1. NASA uses this cat to seesaw rocketships into space.

2. His girl has a trunk in the back; he has a trunk in the front.

3. First man to sleep with a girl and come up pregnant...

4. ...wit septuplets...

5. ...and then eat em.

6. Favorite food: "Supersize."

7. Even the scale in his bathroom is outta shape; for starters, cuz it's bent...

8. ...secondly, cuz it keeps saying "weight up".

9. The sun has to tell this cat "quit stealin my shine" every morning. Gotta take a dadgom break halfway through rising over him.

10. I was just tryna save his girl's life and keep this cat outta jail, cuz the first time he rolls over wit her in the bed it's gon be homicide. Her arms gon be up in the air like Olive Oyl or somethin...

11. Matter fact, if this dude types ROFL, we're all done.

12. Where was this Michelin Man foo when Katrina hit; we coulda saved a lot of cats from drowning.

13. Prolly gotta use a ferris wheel to feed this cat. "Keep it comin..."

14. Dude gets birthday buffets; I ain even get a cake. Shoot, I ain even get a dadgom cookie.

15. Fake thug... he prolly carjacked an ice cream truck.

16. Prolly shuffles pancakes like cards.

17. Prolly robs gas stations for snacks.

18. Prolly ate all the rice at his own wedding.

19. We have mealtimes; he has mealbreaks.

20. So fat he can't catch anything but frozen food. Be lookin through the glass like "I gotchu now.."



And the moral of the story is, ya never know; he coulda very well eaten all of that (lol, I said eaten). For the record, I've got nothing against fat people. But I do have something against arrogant people. And if you're arrogant and you happen to be fat, don't worry 'bout it; you came to the right one. I can make you feel reeeeeeal small.

Stop Laughin' B-J

The Jig Is Up...

I was Pinocchio; I had a wish to be a real boy. It seems the Blue Fairy decided to change everyone else into puppets instead. You don't understand it right now, but read on.

I've been around the world on a quest to find that someone. All the while, someone else has been in pursuit of me. 'Managed to elude capture for years I did; each year drawing closer and closer to what I at times thought was unattainable.

And then last night, I just... lost my way. I felt it, like some grand puppetmaster pulling on my strings. You see, I've always known that I was a puppet under a greater will, but as long as no one pulled my strings then I could become anything; in my case, that meant I could be with anyone. Now, all of a sudden, I can't see myself being with anyone...but her. Don't take that as some joyous acceptance speech; the meaning is strictly denotative.

The moment it hit me, the moment I felt that tug, I was actually somewhat content; I at least knew that I was being toyed with. I wasn't oblivious to the fact that one moment I was deadset against surrender and the next I was surrendering. No, no... I had been escaping my pursuer for years with no remorse; this happened far too quickly for it to have been my own doing. And the mere fact that I recognized this sudden change... that's the thing that makes me more than a puppet.

Still, here I stand. Years of reaching for the one who would make me feel alive and prove to me that destiny is to be made and not accepted... all for nothing. As I stand in the pouring rain, my hands surrendered to the sky, I face away from my soon-to-be captors: destiny, Divinity, and she. The dazzling array of red and blue lights reflecting off the heavy droplets only manage to daze me; my eyes are heavy with defeat. The sirens make no sound, and all I can hear is an old, familiar voice:
"Jigabod, it's finally time to come home."

My lip contorts; my eyes deliver the final standoff into the night sky. All to no avail...

"The Jig is up."

B-(

The Greater Augusta Productions Sampler

Jigabod - Romancexpress: "3 Sec.", "Recess"
Battlecataclysmic - Gargoyle: "Sign Me", "Fictitious", "Watch My Mouth"
Greater Augusta Productions - Instrumental: "Kinetics", "Set It Off to Rain (Don't Get Wet)" featuring David "DAVDEE" Walker

So... at this point you've probably heard me mention my musical aspirations several times, right? But, I'm sure plenty of you doubt the validity of what I've been saying. Well, I don't blame ya; it has been a very long time... and I haven't given you any previews! So above you'll find a sampler for your listening pleasure; a few tracks from each project under construction.

While I'm at it, why not give a little history eh?...

...In the beginning(lol), there was only Battlecataclysmic. My sole purpose was to make music that attacked society's injustices and inconsistencies. My biggest influence was the Dungeon Family of Atlanta, and I used to say that I was "born in 1995" because that was the time that Goodie Mob's "Soul Food" album came out, followed by OutKast's "ATLiens"; those two albums really woke me up and changed my perspective on society.

Now, I'm trying to pass down the knowledge to another generation with my album, "Gargoyle". It's called "Gargoyle" because it's not an attractive album; it's an ugly picture of the world in which we live. No bling, no frontin', no superficialiaty, just real talk. Not only that, but it's a perspective from above the strife, like that of a gargoyle atop a church. And on that note, the words I spit have Christian undertones, just as the church sits beneath a gargoyle.


Jigabod came in as I was harboring all this anger and activist intent; you see, I had pushed my own personality and humanity into the background. But eventually, it reemerged and the Jig was born. If Battlecataclysmic was born in 1995, then Jigabod was born in the 80's; he's an "80's child" that wants to see people dream again like they did back then. He's a romantic, meaning a person that's all about expression, and his music embodies a lot of "impractical" ideas that our society moves too fast to enjoy anymore: passion, virtue, altruism, fun, love, wisdom, piety, family, joy, hopes, and dreams. At the core of it there are a lot of Christian undertones and old school philosophies, and in that Jigabod and Battlecataclysmic share something.

Currently, the "Romancexpress" album is in the works, but a second album, "Apology", that may take precedence and debut ahead of it.


Finally, there's Greater Augusta Productions. Greater Augusta Productions is composed of me (as Jigabod) and my homeboy for over a decade, Swim. We came into being out of necessity; we both were into music, but couldn't afford the studio time. And we didn't want to get signed because we refuse to change our style to suit the industry. So we became an independent production group with its own style and its own sound. We work together like a maestro and a composer; I've developed an ear for producing and Swim has the musical expertise from years of experience. Separately, we can each hold our own; together we're four times stronger.

Besides each other, there's other cats we collaborate with as well, locally and abroad (shout to Skywalker) . Right now we're working on the album "Instrumental" which is a collection of instrumental joints from all genres of music; we don't limit our sound to genres, only to making good music.


Greater Augusta is also responsible for the production on Romancexpress and Gargoyle. Enjoy the sampler, drop some feedback, tell ya peeps about us.

B-J

Well-Done: My New Motivation

Just to clear the air, yes, there's the familiar passage in the Bible where Paul wants to hear the Lord says, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." For the record, I too want the same when it's all said and done. This is just another, more personal spin on the phrase that I thought I'd share...

So... I've been struggling with staying motivated as I make my way to my destination-uncertain. When I was younger (like I'm old or somethin, right?) I was so passionate and driven; I was one of the most unstoppable 17-year-olds you ever wanted to meet, because I cared SO MUCH about changing the world around me. And don't get me wrong, it's still in me, it's a part of who I am. But I've taken a lot of hard hits in the last few years, and on top of that there were so many long years of waiting and disappointment leading up to those crises. Bottom line: I've been making my way for a few months under a decade now. Thas a long time.

I'm 23 now and I constantly feel as if my window of opportunity is closing right before my eyes--- just as sure as I knew as a youngster that school, work, and family would provide obstacles to my musical/activist aspirations. I constantly waver between using my life to make a difference and settling for the "good job, wife, kids, picket fence, pet" goal that permeates so many of my peers' ambitions. But it's hard for me to believe that 10 years of work will amount to nothing; I mean, I've actually prayed to God several times before, "If I'm not meant to be here, don't allow me to continue". And, 10 years later, I'm still at it.

But the motivation has been such a factor... I thought I had lost my way so many times, though I never stopped working. I recorded a few songs, but thought nothing of them after I made them. I mean, they were okay, but the sound quality left much to be desired, and I'm such a perfectionist... I just needed more.

Well, recently I went back and remastered several of my recent tracks. Thanks to the advice of a producer friend in Norway, I was able to dramatically improve the sound quality, even with the meager studio equipment I have. What I didn't know was that, as my music began to sound clearer and clearer, I would find so much pleasure in what I was doing. Then I realized how much my music still meant to me.

I listened to my voice on the tracks. Of course, there's always room for improvement, but for the first time in years I sounded like that strong spirit from 1997; the one that was so heartfelt you couldn't help but feel what he was saying. It was like rekindling a friendship you'd left behind, so far behind that you started to believe it was all a dream. And then you find out that that friend is in love with you...

As I put my remastered tracks back up for display, I got feedback from several peers who I respect as talented and creative artists and producers. To see their comments on my work really confirmed that this wasn't just hype; I really do still have it, and I've just been getting better and better all this time.

So I've found new motivation: the finished product. Everytime I play one of my songs that came out the way I envisioned, it feels "well-done", and get a surge of energy and feel that I have what it takes to reach the next level... More than the next level actually; I feel like I can get all the way to the end. I think I might get an mp3 player and some headphones just so I can play my tracks wherever I go to keep me that strong.

But there's more. I found motivation in something else a bit more surprising:

Ladies and gentlemen, I kid you not: As I sat on my couch just now, watching some BET commercial about upcoming programs, I watched a man put steak on a grill and said to myself, "Thank you Jesus"...

You see, a few weeks ago my aunt took my sister and I out for some grub. That night, for the first time, I ordered steak and shrimp. Now, if you know anything about me, you know I'm not a cat known for having an appetite. But the funny thing is, since my money's been tighter than ever, all of a sudden all I wanna do is eat. But, whereas I once did the fast food thing and that satiated my hunger, that's not cutting it anymore. Even my beloved Ramen is but a momentary appeasement until my pockets get straight. Truthfully, I now arise and go about my day and go to sleep at night with the thought of steak and shrimp on my mind. The taste is still fresh in memory.

So what does this hafta do with my music? Well, the thing is I'm not a money-motivated cat; I know we need money to live comfortably, but it's the love of money that destroys people, not the need for it. But this steak and shrimp thang... for the first time there's reasonable incentive for me to be successful; my music has always been about benefitting those around me, not really doing anything for myself. But I have already made up in my mind that very day everything falls into place, the very next meal I will have will be:

I. Grilled Sirloin steak, placed with care on the left side of the plate. "Well-done" please; no sauce necessary...
II. Steamed broccoli, placed in the bottom right-hand corner of the plate, slightly buttered. Cooked so that it becomes limp but not mushy...
III. Skewered Jumbo Shrimp, 12 pieces on two skewers, laid gently on a separate, smaller plate placed to the right of the entre plate. And I'd like my lemon shrimp-dip placed just above the broccoli, thank you...

Ahhh yes. I think I'ma go to bed now to see if I can have a dream about it.

But on a serious note, motivation truly is a gift. Don't let anyone or anything ever kill your motivation, because it's quite hard to retrieve. Even now, I worry that the things that I find motivation in will last but a short time. But even if they do, I'm gonna make the most of that short time and savor the sweetness of being driven. Even if it's just listening to a couple of good songs on my way to a steakhouse, it's better than nothing.

"Well-Done"... I Think Feel a Song Coming On... B-J

Presenting: Pharaoh Amen-Ramen

I was jokin around with some homies the other day and telling em how I live and die by Ramen noodles, as do many college students. But seriously, there's an art to it people. You can't just purchase Ramen; you must first understand the Ramen. Ramen is a great accessory to those who know how to handle it; but to those who do not, it can bring about utter destruction.

So... I, Pharaoh Amen-Ramen, shall bestow unto the people, especially those in college, the mysterious secrets of Ramen noodle...

First of all, Ramen noodles are NOT a delicacy, I don't care how you dress them up. Ramen noodles are about as basic as you can get. BUT, do not be fooled; it is the baseness wherein lies the beauty of them. Because they are so basic, they are CHEAP. THIS is why Ramen noodles are the college student's best friend; with school sharking people for money at every turn, Ramen noodles create leverage by reducing food costs.

Now, Ramen noodles come in different packaging. First, there are the noodle cups. The noodle cups are usually the most expensive buy (we're talkin 3 for a dollar here, be cool) but that's because they usually come with trimmings. By trimmings, I mean sometimes they have actual vegetables and piece of meat in the cup, which iz dope.

So you'd think, with them coming in a cup, that the thing to do would be put the water in the cup and microwave the whole shabang. But the funny thing is, even though they come in a cup, you're advised to boil the water separately. Now, I don't know about you, but I buy that. Why? Man, they discovered plastic has cancer-causing agents in it that can be "sweated" out in microwaves; so what do you think the heat-resistant styrofoam iz gonna sweat out? Pharaoh's warning...

Secondly, there's the bags of Ramen you can buy. Not a bad idea at all; cheaper than the cups, and no styrofoam to poison you. HOWEVER, there's a drawback. The bagged Ramen doesn't come ready-made, i.e. with meat and vegetables. Instead, it comes with flavor packets meant to simulate the tastes you might have with a more complete Ramen cup. Let importantly, you also need a vessel to cook the Ramen in, since there's no cup. No biggie; everybody's got that little Tupperware bowl (make sure it's microwaveable!)

When you buy either the bags or the cups, be sure to BUY IN BULK. You get more bang from your change; I recently purchased a month's worth of Ramen for like five bucks. Can't beat that.

Now, my first warning was against microwaving styrofoam; I got an unsubstantiated hunch it's no good for ya. But pay special attention to my second warning: RAMEN WILL KILL YOU. That is, it will if you don't make it right. Peep this:

I'm holding a pack of Ramen right now. Won't specify the company, because this applies for all of them. I'm reading the nutrition facts: 890mg of salt in one pack. 37% of the salt you need in a day, you can get from one pack of Ramen. As I recall, the last cup of Ramen that I ate had somewhere in the range of 1080-1800mg (if you can't tell, my memory is numerically dyslexic) of salt. Considering that you're gonna eat more than one pack of Ramen a day, surely you see this is a way to get your blood pressure up REAL fast. But, Amen-Ramen brings hope...

The trick is, it's all in how you FIX the Ramen. This is how you should make a cup: boil the water, put the water in the cup, preferably MORE than the instructions suggest. Why? Because, after letting it sit for a few minutes, you want to DRAIN THE WATER OUT. This is gonna help remove some of the salt. Mind you, I said some, but every little bit counts toward your health.

When making Ramen from the bag, there will be a flavor packet included in the mix. That packet is SALT DYNAMITE. So this is what you want to do: put the Ramen in the cooking vessel and put enough water in to make the Ramen float at LEAST. Cook it for 3:00 in the microwave. Now, here's where you really gotta pay attention... Drain HALF of the water out; leave enough for the Ramen to kinda stew in. Now take your packet and put ONLY PART of it in the Ramen. Why? Because the sh'tuff is so powerful, you don't NEED the whole packet! That eliminates a good bit part of your salt excess right there.

Now, toss the rest of the packet out. Stir the noodles around with the flavoring and the water and let it sit for 3-4 minutes; this gives the flavor time to sink in. Then, POUR OUT AS MUCH OF THE WATER AS YOU CAN. Boom, you have just enough flavor, with much less salt.

Lastly, this is the most important technique for a Ramen bon appetite: take time to say grace. Thank the Lord for the food you're about to receive; ask that it bring nourishment to your body, always remembering those who have nothing to eat.

In Jesus' Name, Amen B-J

All is Right With the World

Before I begin, I'd just like to say... I hate the title to my last post. It just sucks to me. So expect it to change sometime in the future, lol...

One thing I've learned in life; 90% of the battle is perspective. If you have the right perspective on things, that actually affects you more than what actually happens. You could be at rock bottom, but if you don't have a rock bottom perspective, rock bottom can't contain you. On the flipside, if you're on top of the world and have a negative disposition, you might as well be... well.. on rock bottom.

So I figure I'm gonna take a moment to see, in the words of my homie Ken, "what's really good". If I can find the good in bad times, then it'll make the bad times less stressful. Theoretically...

Hm... Well, for starters God still sits on the throne. That's the default "good news". The Word is still legit as always, meaning "All things [still] work together for good to them that love Him".

I'm eating. Ramen noodles rock. 2 liter sodas, 4 for 3 dollars at the store. Can't beat that. Got the veggies, the rice, the bread, the cereal, the milk, the waffles. Can't complain bout that.

I'm not dead. Not saying dead is the worst that can happen, but as long as you live, things can get better. The blessing of life.

My lil sis is cool. If she's cool, then I'm cool.

Still got my friends. They're spread far and wide, but they're as loyal as ever. Ran into an old homie the other day matter of fact, right after... well... read the last post.

Still got my family. I try to avoid them so I don't get discouraged from my goals by their doubts, but I can't deny they're still there for me when I let them be. And it's a blessing that I have a big family on both sides, and they all care about me. I visited my old church the other Sunday and it's like I never left. Felt really good.

I can STILL rhyme with the best of em. Nah, I don't freestyle. But, like Andre once said, "I can write one bar that can crush your whole album".

Still got my equipment; still able to produce and record (for free). It's not high-high quality, but it's pretty friggin decent. I learned a long time ago that it's not always what you have, but what you do with it. And I thank God me and my boy Swim have been able to do a lot.

My writing skills are still present. It's a wonderful vent for me and a creator of opportunity. I'm having a piece published in an anthology even as I write this. (I shoulda charged for it, lol. Naaah...)

Got enough money to last me a while. Hopefully I'll have my car straight in the next few days, then I can go back on the job hunt. Until then, I'm straight... unless my house gets meteorited or something.

Still got my guitar. Thought I was gonna hafta sell it a few months back, but it's still here, even tho I haven't been up to playing recently.

Still got my friggin PS2 for when I just NEED to crack somebody's skull. Can't beat a good fighting game... Boi stop, I beat em all. Muwahahaha...

I'm me, I'm Black, I'm saved, and I'm me. Can't ask for much more than that.


I'd say overall I'm doing well; when I choose to think about the good things that is. I can always highlight the bad and make it seem like I'm in hell or something, but nobody has it all bad. I don't believe life is ever all good or all bad. The key is recognizing that it's both and then choosing to emphasize the good. It's like that old saying, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right". Here it would be, "Whether you think it's good or you think it's bad, you're right".

So What's Your Perspective? B-J

2 Shy 2 Die 4 It

Ever since I started this Romancexpress journey, I've been searching myself to discover who I really am. We all do it, but sometimes you can get so lost in yourself... It's good to have something tangible to refer to, just so you don't find yourself going places you've already been.

Well, the funny thing is, I find myself doing just that: going to a place I've already been... several times actually. But I'm not referring to revisiting a subject or memory; I mean, I keep returning to a realtime spot. See, there's this young lady I've been trying to get the nerve to approach for quite some time; at this point, it's been such a long time that I feel stupid about it all. I'm talkin months. It's ridiculous.

That's what I said to myself in the parking lot tonight, and even the time before that. Still, I got outta my car, strolled inside the establishment, and found myself strolling out about 5 minutes later having accomplished nothing. This has been going on since before Valentine's Day. The bottom line is, I'm a punk.

But I realize too that being a punk is just a manifestation of something more significant: confidence issues. What kills me is that I've been here before; I've known that my confidence isn't what it should be for a good while now. And I really thought I was improving; I watched my own progress and I have the experiences to prove it. Have I regressed back into shyness or something? ...Anywasy, I've returned to the subject figure out exactly what's wrong, and hopefully come to a permanent resolution.

Not too long ago, I used to not care much for myself; I felt like I was a subpar person physically. I once told a friend of mine I always felt like a boy amongst men; 'didn't matter who it was, that was just my default feeling, like some kinda inferiority complex. But around my first year in college, I got past that. Now, when I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror and I really like what I see, ya know? I don't know how anybody feels about me, but I know how I feel about myself. I'm a dope cat; no better or worse off than anyone else.

So... why in the world can't I approach this young lady?

Maybe it's my status. Not so much my status with other people, but my status with myself. Financially insecure at the moment; goals beyond my immediate reach. It doesn't feel like I'm 'bout anything, but I know I grind toward my goals like every day; I got the beats, verses, poems, and unedited books to prove it. Perhaps I feel I have nothing to offer at the moment... Kinda makes me wanna give up my aspirations and settle for being a teacher or something, just for the stability; just so I can say "I am 'something'". (That's pretty pitiful that we determine what we are/our worth by our occupations...)

Or maybe... I've always have had a fear of rejection; that could be the problem. But, why am I so sure I'm gonna get rejected? I know I'm nobody special like that, but I'm a decent cat. And, shoot, even if she does reject me, why should that matter to me? She's one girl among many. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with me; only that there's somebody else out there better suited. It's funny, I always say I don't care what people think of me (hell, I might get ragged on for writing this). The truth is I really don't care what people think... as long as it's people I have no affection for. But when it's somebody I'm interested in, I really DO care what they think; so much so that I'd rather not approach them than approach and be rejected.

"Pride precedes destruction..."

The more I think about this thing, the more I focus on the problem of my confidence than the task of approaching this girl. I do like her a lot and I'd love to date her, but what I really think I want is to conquer this fear. I'm sitting here writing this self pep-talk and I'm so disappointed. In a week or so, more-than-likely, I'm gonna find myself back in the same parking lot doing the same thing to no avail. And on one level, it's not even about this girl; it's about me finishing what I started.

As much as I want to see the best of me, I realize this confidence issue is keeping me from experiencing it. The best of me will be when I'm unafraid to open myself up. I gotta be willing to risk possible disappointment, knowing that I can rebound from it. It's kinda like, you gotta be willing to die before you can really live. I know that sounds extreme, but in essence it's the same principle. But I'ma be honest: I'm not ready to die.

Then again, who really ever is ready to die; it's whatever. I'm "dying" just as much by punking out as I would be if I went for it and got my feelings hurt. No sense in choosing a slow death. At least if I go for it, there's the possibility I might not get rejected after all, right?

...Right.

Somebody Call a Coroner B-\

A Poem for Lightwave

This is a poem I'm writing to a special ladyfriend of mine. Nah, she's not my girlfriend but, if things were different, I like to think she would be. Who knows what the future holds...

Anywasy, here 'goes. To my Lightwave:


My Light, you face the greatest unknown with me
In deepest wilderness, all alone with me

These two eyes that had lost all faith in their sight
Struck with your beauty, now recognize the light

New, lush greens in view; in the sweet rains we soak
As we dip and we float, in gentle waves we stroke

I was certain I was the one and only
Now, close to you, I am so far from lonely

In the light-grey morning mists we discover
At night, in darkness, wonder if I love her

Uncover secrets in desert sands shifty
Soon, they will find us; we move across quickly

Scrape through the thickets, then escape to the caves
Hear echoes of pursuit; it's time to be brave

My heart, once pierced by your love's single arrow
Becomes my strength that brings us through the peril

In the most blinding cold our feelings ignite
Atop the mountain's peak, we burn and take flight

B-J

Sensitive Anyone?

Let's get something straight: Black people, you're only allowed to get offended if somebody misrepresents YOU. If they correctly represent others of your social demographic, that's not racism, that's truth. For example:

1. Chris Rock gets up on stage and talks about how some Blacks spend their money on rims. Common sense tells you it doesn't apply to all Blacks; first of all, the Black man on stage prolly doesn't have em. Second, you prolly don't have em. But you do know a sufficient number of Blacks that do have them to give his statement merit. So getting mad at that is really splitting hairs; if you're not guilty, you have nothing to worry about. Did I mention that was only one joke in an entire performance that zeroes in all pretty much all facets of society? ...I prolly should have.

2. Aaron McGruder creates the Boondocks and makes a few Black characters that are ignorant. It would be one thing if that was the only type of character he created... But his cast represents the full spectrum of Black culture: the Black Middle Class, the Black Militant, the "Nigga", Mulattoes, Uncle Toms, Sell-Outs, you name it. That's not stereotyping, that's reality. There is a difference. Creating such a show and only exhibiting the "ideal" characters would only connect with the "ideal" demographic (a la The Cosby Show); i.e., nobody else would care because they wouldn't see themselves represented. For a person of one demographic to get upset of the portrayal of another demographic (especially when their own demographic is already represented) strikes me as unrealistic and one-dimensional.

You know, I was just thinking the other day and I realized something. I think the most meritable "speakers" in our societies throughout human history have been the comedians and satirists. You know why? Because, no matter what the time period, these are the only people who care enough to say something, but don't care enough to sugarcoat it. You can count on comics and satirists to explore ANY issue that gives them the ammunition they need to make you scratch your head.

Yeah, preachers should be on my list. But let's be real: its only in recent years that preachers have had the 'nads to be brutally honest. If you don't believe me, some of you reading this actually think gay preachers are justified. And that's because your preacher won't even touch the issue. 'Nuff said.

Cats are way-way too sensitive for this war. They want things to get better, but they don't want to admit how bad thing are. They want the cure, but won't diagnose the severity of the disease; therefore, they have NO IDEA the proper dosage necessary to change anything. They think it's gonna be a cakewalk to change because everything is so sugarcoated; if they knew the reality, they woulda brought more ammunition.

But then, when reality is presented through a satirist or comedian, sensitive Black people tend to see them as the enemy. They're so concerned with people's perceptions being changed by negative images, but they don't realize that people have already perceived the worst; we're behind the curve because half of us don't want to face the reality. And what's worse is these negative perceptions, though reinforced in the media, are first actualized in reality. Nobody's making this stuff up; remember: "Art-imitates-life-imitates-art."

You know, I think a lot of the reason Black people are so sensitive is because for so long ideals were all we were taught. Think about the shows we grew up watching; they were nice, wholesome shows. But they represented more the exception, than the norm. "The Cosby Show" for instance: Black doctor married to a Black lawyer; all kids could afford to go to college; "worst" kid goes to Africa and marries a military man. Don't raise your hands Black people, but is this your family? I was blessed to have two parents, but aside from one or two other friends, I can't think of anyone else that did. And growing up I had a LOOOTT of friends...

Look, all I'm saying is this... When you wake up in the morning, you look in the mirror first, right? Because it lets you see which naps you might need to comb or if itz a booger up ya nostrus or sumn. But if you just jump out the bed, say "I'm the sh!t", and walk out the door, you're gonna get laughed at all day for THINKING you have your act together when you really don't. Refusing to see problems doesn't make them any less real, and focusing on whatever's right doesn't make whatever's wrong disappear either. Either see the whole of the spectrum and stop being so sensitive, or keep deluding yourself and making no progress.

You Missed a Spot B-J

Presenting: The Whys-Guy

Yup... I love posts like this. See, as I go through life there's just some things I come across here and there, and people... the sh!t just don't make sense to me. Now, I don't have a college diploma, but when I consider some of the things I see, I wonder who really does have one, cuz some of these things don't really strike me as gosh-darn "intelligent".

There's soooooo many of these questions that have flashed across my mind throughout my life; I just hope and pray they all come back to me for this moment. I'm about to change somebody's life, I can feel it...

1. Why do we still need an electoral college? Wasn't that put there at the onset because people lacked the technology to count so many votes? We have that now; it's dead weight. Get rid of it.

2. Why can't "astute" people use simple language? It seems "astute" to me to recognize when most of what you say is 1) unnecessary, 2) diverting attention from your actual point, 3) more a monument to yourself than an explication fo your subject. Anytime you use a 6-7 syllable word with a 1 syllable synonym, that's not astute, it's just ass.

3. If I'm fresh outta high school college prep wit a high GPA and a dope SAT score, and I've been accepted to a decent college (in other words, I ain exactly dumb), then what exactly is the purpose of me taking comprehensive core classes? I mean, I can see taking stuff like "research methods" and core courses that are directly related to my major. But if I'm aspiring to be a historian, what's with the mandatory review of 11th/12th grade math (that I hafta pay for)?

You know what happens? It causes the best students, who were already close to underachievers coming out of high school, to believe college will be the same. Then they relax... next thing they know the core is done, and the difficulty level picks up again. But it's hard for them to pick up with it because the repetitiveness of the core locks them into a mode.

If the unnecessary courses are edited out, borderline underachievers would instantly get a better grasp of the college experience and make the necessary adjustments. Students going back to school after a long time out should be the ones for whom core classes are specifically designed to help them refresh their memories.

4. Why are so many girls going blonde when, truth be told, blonde doesn't really work for most of em? Somehow dark hair is going out of style, yet blonde hair makes most people look pretty anemic.

5. Why do so many atheists get bent out of shape about the mention of Someone that doesn't exist to them?

6. Why are there like a million different citation/bibliography styles? I mean, I've heard the "it lets you know what subject the book covers" explanation... Isn't that what reading is for? Wouldn't the title/synopsis/table-of-contents/index/book itself give you a pretty good idea of what the subject is?

I promise, I've gone through enough books for papers in each subject to tell you: it really makes no difference what style the bibliography is. If the information is there, that's all we need; I mean, we are in college. Give us some credit.

Shucks, if "subject indication" is the reason, then it's pretty counter-productive anyway. We actually spend more time trying to write perfect bibliographies than we would spend finding the subject the old fashion way. Give us one writing style and let us find the subject for ourselves and I promise things will go so much smoother.

7. The Bible mostly happened in what, the Middle East? So why are most Biblical issues addressed in and attributed to Italy/Europe? Too much emphasis on the church? Maybe not enough on the Christ?

8. While I'm at it, of all the people that buy into the Da Vinci Code, how many actually read (and understood) the whole Bible to begin with? I mean, you don't hafta agree with it or believe it; but if you didn't get it in the first place, what sense does it make that you disprove something that's not even manifested to you?

9. Not to be racist at ALL, cuz this is actually pretty cool. But I've seen SOOOOO MANY Indian (like, Eastern-Indian, not Native American) identical twins. Has anybody else noticed this? How did that happen man?

10. Why is Africa treated like a country?

...You thought it was a country didn't you. It's a continent man.

11. This one came courtesy of my friend G Rex: If a man wants to risk his own life by driving with no seatbelt, who are the police to stop him? Me, I believe in seatbelts. But not wearing one doesn't actually threaten public safety, does it?

12. Why don't they just up the speed limit on Bobby Jones, since nobody actually does the speed limit?

13. When's the last time you actually saw a police offer do the speed limit? No, I mean with the sirens off...

14. Is it good business for hospitals to cure their patients? (let that sink in for a minute)

15. Can I say "bitch" if it's a female dog to which I'm referring?

16. Can I say "ass" if it's a donkey to which I'm referring?

17. Can I say "hoe" if it's a garden tool to which I'm referring?

18. Ain't it amazing how you can string nothing but cuss words together and it makes a sentence?

19. Do girls gone wild ever become women? (better let that one sink in too)

20. Why do so many people act like they're Batman or something when they get a call on their cell phone... Don't act like you've never seen it: the loud ringtone, the cool answer, the looking around like somebody's on their tail, the get-up-and-leave-in-a-rush (except there's no rush).

21. Why do cats need a hands-free phone when their hands are empty? They walk around lookin like they're flat crazy, talkin' to themselves.

22. Amp'd Mobile, just curious: What made you decide it was cool to let the Black man cuss in your commercial? I bet nobody else gon cuss in one of your commercials ever, but it was cool for the brotha to do it huh? Just askin...

23. I ain saying women can't be strong; girl power and all that jazz. But why do they only use testosterone to make steroids? What about equality man, let's see some estrogen steroids...

24. Why do so many big girls try to wear things that don't fit them? When a big girl wears something too small for her, it actually makes her look bigger cuz everything is being stretched elasti-tight. Why not just be your big beautiful self and be comfortable doing it?

25. Why is Riley everybody favorite character on the Boondocks?

...Do yourselves a favor and don't answer that.

26. Why does "Marcy Carsey" and/or "Carsey-Werner" ring a bell to you?

27. Why is organic food more expensive than processed food when it costs more to process the food than to grow it?

28. Wouldn't Weight Watchers be more effective if it was called Diet Watchers instead?

29. If everything on TV is fake anyway, then what's wrong with me watching cartoons?

30. In 10 years, will anybody remember any of the songs in rotation right now? (Laffy Taffy don't count)

31. How many places did you discover you didn't really hafta go when the gas prices went up?

32. Do you realize the most advanced car on the market is nothing compared to a horse? Think about it: cars got yo husbands overseas fightin for oil right now; a horse's fuel is friggin hay, oats, and a pat on the head. Cars choke the hell outta people in metro areas wit fuel emissions; horses emit fertilizer so you can grow more hay and oats. Cars don't give a d#mn about you, that's why we got radios and navigation systems installed; horses make geek faces and stuff, long as you keep bringing hay and oats.

33. Why do cats get mad if a girl cheats on 'em? LET HER GO. Evidently she doesn't want you THAT bad. Even if you fight to keep her, you'll never fully trust her again. So what exactly are you fighting for?

34. If a girl is cheating on her man with YOU, why exactly do YOU want her? Think about it: she's cheating on her man. You idiot. I shouldn't even hafta explain any further. You're asking for this one 100%.

35. Why-come cats say, "Ayo son" all day, but got a million sons they won't take responsibility for?

36. Why do suburban White kids love 50 Cent so MUCH?! Did White kids admire the strongest slave on the plantation back in the day too?

37. Why-come immigrants own businesses while most college grads just work for em?

38. Why-come you hear more about the d#mn Wookies and Ewoks on Star Wars than any Black character?

39. Why does the driver's seat in any given vehicle lean all the way back?

40. Don't we have weapons of mass destruction? Why isn't anybody coming after us?

41. Man, why were rainbows declared gay? 'Seems like they should be symbolic of something more... racial.

42. Why do animals always know when to get the hizzeck up outta dodge but people always gotta hang around to see what the hurricane gon do...

43. How many token Blacks do you see on TV in a day? I spy: the one Black boy with three White friends who provides comic relief with his dumbness; the disgruntled Black female friend who's down on all men; the one Black dude at the office every chick wants to date; the one Black dude at the office who happens to be flaming gay; the one married Black friend who lives next door; the Black buck who's the muscle on a team full of White heroes.

44. Why do so many people hate on Raven Simone?

45. Why do people in Augusta always talk about going to Atlanta like it's the Promised Land? Or talk about they got family/friends/folks in Atlanta like "you gotta respect me now"?

46. Why do I spy with my lil eye: cats with do-rags on with Yankee baseball caps over them; big shirts wit big Yankee jackets over them; XXL pants and Timbaland boots...in Georgia...in the middle of July...

47. Why is the second largest city in Georgia (that's us ya'll) becoming a retirement city?

48. Why does instrumental music evoke feelings in us?

49. Why not tuck an extra car key in your wallet?

50. Eh, I thought I'd leave this one open to whoever's reading. I would write like 50 more entries, but it's almost 6am and my mind just left the premises.

Take a good look around you. I'm sure you'll find something that doesn't quite add up. And when you find it, ask why. And if nobody can give you a good answer, then say "screw it then"; and boom, your life just mades a little bit more sense. Or somethin like that.

Why Did I Do It? Why Not? B-J

The Wee Hours

It's 4:02am. Good night...

Why is "good morning" always a greeting and "good night" always a departure? At 4:10am, it just seems odd to tell someone "good night". Like, what's the point, it's almost morning. But if you say "good morning", it feels like... morning, but dark. But you know what's funnier is I'm actually talking to people this time of...night. Or is it morning?

Let's just call it the wee hours.

I'm a bit drifty right now, and I love it. I wish it was foggy outside, and cool. It was grey all day yesterday and I'd like a repeat if possible; no rain, just good and cloudy. The neighbors are up already; I can see the trucklights thru my bedroom window behind me. (I can see stuff behind me now? What's goin' on?) I know that sunrise is coming, but I'd sure love a few more hours of darkness. Not even necessarily to sleep, but just because I know the day won't start without it. I don't look forward to new days like I used to...

It's 4:17 now. 'Early as it is, I'm listening to this beat my homeboy did some years ago; it's still as dope now as it was then. I've been playing it all night long and I haven't gotten tired of it yet. I wish you could hear it; a wah-wah guitar, occasion strings and synths, soft-punchin' kick, snare with a slight decay, a light brush, and this subtle bubble noise in the background keepin' time. It feels like I'm floating face-up on the slow waves of a melodic current. (I like the sound of that.)

I'm eagerly anticipating riding the flow with some fresh-baked lyrics suited especially for this mood. But, as sexy as this beat is, she's not what's keepin' me up tonight. My body's outta whack; it's still thinkin' I work the graveyard shift. Plus, I've got so much on my mind that I can't relax like I want to. It feels like anticipation for a big party. The problem is, it's a surprise party: I don't know when it's gonna jump off or who's gonna spark it. Don't get me wrong though, it's not that type of party; when I say party, I mean party in the "my life could fall apart again at any minute" sense. And I've got a pretty good idea who's gonna help make that happen. But at 4:27am who cares?

...Not even me, and that's dope.

Come what may, I wanna be ready for it, so I'd better kill this chat and get some rest. Or at least do some praying. Or somethin'...

4:47 already? That took entirely too long. B-\

Embracing Slow Ascension

"It took ya momma 9 months to make it, but it only took a n!gga 30 minutes to take it..."
-Big Boi, "Wheelz of Steel"

I brought up this line to bring up a point of course. Why is it always easier to destroy than to build? It takes buildings months to be built; seconds to be demolished. Trust can be earned over decades, lost in a moment, and take a lifetime to be restored. Wealth can be amassed with years of hard work, stolen in a fluke bank robbery, and never reattained, because even that which is amassed in the aftermath will still lack the wealth we held at the onset (thank God for FDIC right?)

...So, I'm trying to get my spiritual life back on track. In these early stages I'm having to do things like resurrender my ambitions and my will, then re-reconcile that with myself so that it doesn't feel like I'm cutting my arms and legs off. It kinda reminds me of when I was a kid and had to take medicine that tasted bitter, or when the dinner menu was filled with all a kid's favorites: brussel sprouts, liver, lima beans, and other such "tasty treats". I had this little technique I used in both instances; see, when I was a kid, I had GREAT lungs. So, in emergencies such as the aforementioned, I'd simply take a deep breath and scarf everything down; when you hold your breath, you can't taste anything. You've cleaned your plate/taken your medicine, nobody has anything to complain about, and you can go on about your bizness.

But you know, it's not quite that easy when it comes to spiritual things. Not that easy at all actually. When you regress spiritually, there's no fast-forward to put you back where you were. Because part of what got you to the place you were in the first place was the time you invested into it. You see, time itself is a test when it comes to spirituality. And it has to be that way.

Why? Think about it. It's like when girls play hard-to-get (mmmmAN I hate that). As stupid as it may seem to somebody like me, playing hard-to-get is a foolproof way to determine how bad somebody wants you (and might I add, it's also a foolproof way to make the guy wonder if YOU want HIM in return, so DON'T PUSH IT!) The guy jumps thru hoops and buys gifts and smooth talks until he's blue in the face; the mere fact that he wastes his time doing that means he's serious.

In much the same way, the dedication it takes to read your Bible daily, pray constantly, live what you learn, make Godly decisions, etc. is the determinant of your spiritual growth. There's no getting around that. It's a day-by-day ascension. Think about it like this: if it was a short process, then people would probably be more concerned about what they could get FROM God than what they should give TO God. Just like an easy woman: because she's easy, some (and take note, I did say SOME) men only approach her because they know they can get whatever they want from her without a struggle and be done with her. Seriously, be honest: if you could get easy blessings from God without going through the process of getting closer to Him, how many of you would skip to the blessings?

And so, as I made up in my mind that I need to get back in line with Him, I also understood that simply making that decision is only going to begin the process, not bring me to my original status. But I also realize the long journey ahead is not a "punishment" so much; it's a necessary thing I hafta go through to get my focus on the Blessor and not the blessings. I guess a slow ascension isn't such a bad thing; but it does provide incentive not to regress, I'll tell ya that.

Are We There Yet? B-\

No Stranger Friend...

He's amorphous; a mystery. He's so far over me in power, grace, command, knowledge, goodness, mercy, patience, stature... shoot, you name it, He's dwarfs me in it. He's millions of years older than me, knows everything about me and everything around me. Heck, He created me.

And yet, this Being is supposed to be my friend. Sometimes it's hard for me to fathom that. For instance, when I'm broke...well... He owns EVERYTHING. It doesn't seem possible for Him to feel my distress. Even when He was a man and needed money, He pulled currency from a fish's mouth. I get the feeling if I went to the water right now, I'd be lucky to even find a fish.

This Friend... His agenda fluctuates between life and death the way we deliberate on the choice of clothing for the day. No... He already knew who was going to live and die at the very beginning. Me? I mean, I know people live and die; it's an inevitable fact. I don't expect miraculous resurrections anytime soon; as if I'm the only person who's ever lost somebody right? If bringing back the dead was simply a matter of lifting up prayer, we'd be overpopulated. Hope ill-placed is just as bad as being hopeless I guess... but I'm drifting.

Friend... it's hard to be friends with Someone who has rule over you. See, in human relations, we cater to each others feelings; but no matter how you feel, when it comes to the Creator, things must be as they must be. His word is law, not open to "friendly" debate. And you would think that an all-powerful Friend would change the world for you, but then you remember you're not the only "friend" He has in the world, and that His plan is so far beyond you that you couldn't hope to understand it. It's a friendship based totally on credit. "Trust the Lord"; we say it like it's the simplest thing. And to a simple person, I guess it is. But for some reason He made me very complex.

A few posts prior, I said I wouldn't exactly call me and God friends right now. I mean, He's been a friend to me in spite of it all, taking care of me in His way; but I was deeply hurt by what happened to my mother, period. But I did something today. I stood in my livingroom with my feet together; I spread my arms wide and straight; I closed my eyes. I imagined it was me on that cross instead of Jesus: fully God, capable of saving myself; choosing to suffer as fully man--- hours upon hours, ridiculed, scorned, scourged, bleeding, dying--- just to give mankind a chance at salvation from eternal damnation. And then I pictured a boy in the distant future saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to be friends with me or not.

So uh... yeah. God has been a friend to me; I'd be less of a human being not to be a friend in return. No, this doesn't make things any easier, but I thank God that our suffering is not to the extent of His suffering, and that He is capable of restoring us in His time. It is an awkward relationship; a man trying to relate to a Being who is his supreme in all dimensions, trusting that His intentions are holy, no matter how they manifest themselves by humanistic standards. I kinda feel like a nail being friends with a carpenter that's constructing a mansion. Wondering why He keeps hammering on me, ya dig?

There is No Stranger Friend than the Friend I have in Jesus Christ.

We'll Leave It at That B-J

Back to the Machine

Hm. The age-old question of Man vs. Machine...

You know, when I was young and dumb I used to do everything everybody told me. And you know what? Everything went so much smoother. Did I get what I wanted most of the time? Nope. But shoot... it was nice to know nobody could hold a light to me; I never had anything to hide and nobody could tell me sh... anything. Being a robot iz a breeze; you sacrifice what you want to please everybody and nobody ever has a prollem witchu but yourself. And if you're a real good robot, your sense of self is so sedated that you're perfectly content, having no desire to become anything more than somebody's pawn.

Yup, that was almost me. For the longest time I was the robot, doing anything I was asked to do. Even if I was tired, it was like I didn't know how to acknowledge that. I got things done; they were just things that meant nothing to me. The rewards? Pats on the back, plastic trophies, certificates, trust, favor in the eyes of people; mostly things I'd trade if I had a mind to. But I had smarts, not a mind.

Then one day I woke up; I wanted things, I had desires. And... it's been a struggle ever since. See, I had been a robot for so long, I don't think people ever got used to me being a "me"; I'm still that compliant child in their eyes. That robot.

Anyway, back to the Man vs. Machine illustration. Right now, I'm definitely a man. I have to question EVERYTHING; I have a will. I want to discover things. I take nothing at face value. I challenge authority if it seems the right thing to do. If something doesn't make sense to me, I make that known and look for an alternative. That's the essence of humanity.

The problem? There's something I had when I was a robot that I now lack as a man: The ability to do and endure illogical things under the false impression that they're necessary. In other words, I can't fool myself anymore. Whether it be school, work, family, anything short of God Himself; I can't fool myself into being a pawn for anyone's use.

Now, some would say this is an admirable quality; I've found it to bring with it a few weaknesses. For instance, as a robot I was motivated by fear of punishment and of a bad rapport; now that I'm a man and not a machine, I could care less. But now, I have NO motivation. I once told a friend years ago that, regardless of what people say, no one wants total freedom. Total freedom is like being in space. How so? In space, there's no gravity. Thus, there's no up, down, left or right. Point: there's no progress. To have progress, one must have something off of which to push to give himself/herself direction. I'm struggling to rediscover my "something" in the wake of my liberation.

It makes me think of so many people who talk about having a social "revolution"; I doubt they really know what they're asking for. You see, should this revolution come, the goal is going to be gaining freedom. But then, there will come a time when they must decide on a new motivation for the sake of progress. And that's when revolution will crumble into chaos; because all share the desire for freedom, but none agree on the new motivation. I know this, because this is what has happened inside of me.

I'm a little frustrated, because there was a time early in my "emancipation" when I had this motivation. But I hadn't totally freed myself of those around me, and the motivation was quenched because I had to suppress it for so long. I long for another chance at those days, but what's past is past, what's passed is passed, what's past is passed, and all that nonsense.

Man vs. Machine... The concept has been the theme in several movies of the century. You know what I think? In a battle between Man and Machine, Machine is destined to win. Why? Not because Machine is necessarily the superior being. But because Man is human. Machine exists only for its created purpose; Man thinks too much. Man will wonder why he must fight; Machine will just fight. Man will feel pain; Machine knows nothing of feeling. Man reads this article and is foolish enough to believe Man's passion will win him the fight, like in the movies; Machine does not read articles, it simply performs at its utmost possible efficiency until it no longer can.

My question is, if the answer is to simply "do the right thing" and always do what a higher authority commands, then why was man made human and not machine; machines are much better at doing that. Still, I know what it is to be a machine, and I'm sorely tempted to become the machine I once was.

To have no desire but accomplish meaningless tasks; to have desire but lack the motivation to satisfy it...

Man or Machine; That is the Question B-\

God, I Ain't Mad Atcha

Sometimes it takes another cat that's been thru what you've been thru to help you put things in perspective. Big shout to the homie Skywalker; that talk really meant a lot.

So, a reverend at my church told me a few weeks ago, "Remember, God is not your enemy." No doubt; I know that...

Aight, can we be real for a minute? Thanx. No, God is not my enemy. But since my mom passed, me and God, we haven't exactly been friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm still on God's side, but the smiles and all that... screw that. That's been a bit of a stretch.

Do I still pray? Of course. Regularly? No. Do I read my Bible? Yes. Regularly? No. Why? Well, cuz when I prayed my hardest, when I read the most, my mom still died. No, I'm not some noob Christian who thinks God is Santa Clause or a genie. God has His will, and we pray out of obedience and to stay in line with it; I guess that's supposed to make anything any easier. It's really very simple: when my mom died, IT HURT! If you expect anything less, you're crazy. Point blank.

So yeah, I avoid church now. Cuz, see, the last time I saw my mom healthy, she was standing in church; right over there on the opposite side of the sanctuary from where she usually sat. She had on that colorful, furry, blue and green dress and her wig (she was fresh out of the hospital if I remember correctly); my aunt was standing right next to her. Matter of fact, I remember more of my mom in church than at home; mom in the pew, mom in the parking lot, mom in the serving area, mom in the foyer. So pardon me if I'm not eager to be at church all the friggin time.

And I'll tell you something else I remember too. I remember my mom in the hospital; it's so vivid that I'm not even gonna get into it...

Up to this point, I really couldn't have cared less about the sound advice everybody has had for me. Everything I'd heard was just stuff I'd heard before and, furthermore, it was from people who hadn't been thru what I've been thru. At least, for the most part they hadn't; but that changed tonight.

In one fell swoop, a conversation with a friend that had experienced the same thing with his mother, God proved that He's still the truest friend any man can have. I had just finished saying how I felt that I had to strike out and go for broke; how God was only gonna help me if He "felt like it" or "got around to it". And it hit me that, even as I spoke, God had just sent me a cat that had seen what I'd seen so that we could help each other go thru the motions. When I was fixated on my mom in the hospital, he asked me, "How do you think your mom looks now?" He helped me to embrace and be thankful for the present and the glorious future and push aside the pain of the past. We ended up crying together and ultimately remembering this is all a trial to bring us closer to Him. And my friend said the strangest thing near the end of our talk; that it didn't feel like his words that he was speaking. He was probably right. It seems all the praying I did this morning came full circle.

So, here it is: God, it's good to know You're still in my corner. I'll never stop trusting You, even if I don't like Your ways sometimes. Are we friends? Well... all I can say is that we're not enemies, and that you've definitely been a friend to me even if I haven't been the same in return. Friends is what I'm working toward; in the meantime, I definitely ain't mad atcha.

Prayer Works B-J

FourSights: A Lesson on Vision

I've probably never told you cats this before, but I'm nearsighted; I've worn glasses most of my life and I switch back and forth between glasses and contact lenses on given occasions. It would be nice to have natural vision; every now and then I think about having corrective surgery, an I've worn my contacts for days before without taking them out (don't try this at home kids). However, my real desire is for people to have vision and move forward. I'm not referring to the vision of the eyes, but the vision of the mind.

And don't get me wrong; there are many that do have vision. But just like one can be nearsighted or farsighted or blind, there is such a thing as having the wrong kind of mental vision. Even some of the most progressive minded people aren't effective because they lack certain vision. So, I've broken down the different types of vision that people have to explore what vision it is going to take for us to move forward.

Telescopic Vision
I thought I'd start here because this is the most illusive type of vision; mistaken for being the best type of vision to have. Telescopic vision is the vision of an idealist and an extreme optimist. They look far and deep into the future and say, "look at what we're capable of; let's become that". But like a farsighted person, they are so far into things to come that they totally miss things like the present steps they need to take to get there.

Think about how a telescope works; you close one eye and gaze through a tube and see a limited space far, far away. In the meantime, anything that lies between you and that far distance goes totally unseen. What if it is a threat or an enemy that lies in that space? Or what if a pit lies before you as you move forward toward that lofty goal? This is the problem with a lot of people we call "visionaries"; we think because their intentions are good and their attitude is optimistic that their vision will get us somewhere. But it won't; not without fully recognizing their surroundings so that they can create practical approaches to reaching that goal... and might I add, without leaving people behind.

And with that, let's proceed to another vision.

Microscopic Vision
When one looks through a microscope, what do they see? Only what's immediately before them. How big is the object of observation? Usually very, very small. HOw does that object appear to the person? Very, very big. That's microscopic vision.

You might call it extreme realism and extreme practicality. It's when people become fixated in their current surroundings. Their world is very small, but it is all they know, and so it appears very big. They dare not to venture outside of their world; it is as if they don't even believe there is such as thing as a life beyond the bounds of their current state. Their only focus is to maintain things as they are with no hope of expansion. They won't seek to better themselves as long as their abilities are adequate for their current situation. This is a mentality that prevents people from helping themselves. Especially when coupled with...

Mirror Reflection
At first, you may think I'm referring to a person looking in a mirror; in other words, being self-conscious. Nah, that's only the beginning. Think about what you really see in a mirror: it's not just your own reflection; it's you and everything behind you.

Some people's vision is stuck in the past and it creates an extreme pessimism. This pessimism makes them think--- because of their upbringing, the mistakes of those before them, their own mistakes--- that they're incapable of progress. It's an attitude of surrender before the challenge even arrives.

20/20 Vision
20/20 vision is a wonderful thing to have. It allows a person to see all that he or she should normally see. But in terms of progress and mental vision, don't be fooled by those with "20/20" vision. In this context, a person with 20/20 vision is a person who is "content"; a person that settles for simply maintaining the status quo. It's not the same as the microscopic vision, because a 20/20 person's vision is by choice, not by coercion. He or she sees many options and chooses whatever will make him or her most comfortable.

The problem is, they don't look beyond that. So a 20/20 visionary sees what's behind, what's immediate, and what's to come, but lacks the far reaching ideals of the telescopic visionary. Without that idealism, there won't be any progress; only the maintenance of the status quo and of satisfaction for those 20/20 visionaries who have already attained it.

So mirror reflection, microscopic vision, 20/20 vision, and telescopic vision. These are the 4 types of vision most people have. It's rare that you find a person that has all 4 of these, and this is the problem that is preventing us from progressing. Either you have the mirror reflective visionaries who don't try, the microscopic visionaries who don't believe, the 20/20 visionaries who are complacent, or the telescopic visionaries who are detached. To be a true visionary who will make an effective and lasting impact, you must attain an understanding of all four of these visions. But more than an understanding, you must learn to navigate---not necessarily accept--- within the confines of their premises. Because, Visionary, if you don't navigate relative to these perspectives, then your progress is going to leave most of the people behind; particularly the ones that need it most.

It's FourSights over Foresight B-J